This past year and a half, unlike no other, parents have been tested. Whether it was the total shutdown of schools with no notice, zero childcare options for school aged kids, summer camp closures, virtual learning instruction while working, fear of getting sick or job security fears with the massive covid related layoffs, there was so much sudden stress and intense pressure placed on families. With kids and parents both working from home and together more than ever dealing with this insanity, emotions have run hot. It has never been easier to lose your patience despite your best intentions. Considering emotions are contagious, finding better coping skills to handle your feelings during stressful times is more important than ever. As a single parent, there hasn’t been a day I haven’t been stretched thin, but I know if I can find a way through it, I can help others find their way as well.
- Make Time for Self-Care: Most frustration and stress stems from lack of personal time and control over your day with mountains of tasks and building pressure to get it all figured out. When you have kids and a job, you can feel like you are in constant task mode, and constantly giving and doing with zero time for yourself. It does not mean you don’t love being a mom and love your kids more than anything, it simply means you are human and have basic human needs that can easily get pushed aside once becoming a mom.
I was raised to believe that tasks were more important than my needs and feelings. I learned that I needed to do, give and work as if I didn’t have any personal needs regarding my own self-care. It led me to believe self-care was selfish. Sure, skip meals to get things done for someone else. Spend money on gifts for others when I needed the money for my own life to cover basic necessities. Don’t ever say you are tired or not drop what you are doing for others. The simple question of what fills your cup up can be tough to answer when you are used to filling up others cups. I still have to remind myself daily to give space for meeting my most basic needs- like taking time to eat instead of just nonstop working, so that I don’t feel resentful and frustrated later. I know that walks outdoors can make b.s. in the day tolerable vs intolerable- that is what self-care is, filling up your cup
The question is what does self-care look like for you…is it quiet time not answering 10 questions in 10 seconds, meditation, working out, eating healthy meals and taking real meal breaks, is it long hot showers alone, favorite music, reading, a massage, girl time…Self-care means different things to each of us, but it is something that when done, makes you feel good, more at peace and like you belong to yourself vs. a task master with zero personal needs as a human. (Example, self-care for some could mean getting your nails done. For someone like me, it would be stressful having to go wait, sit still without being able to use my hands while staying awake and spend what I think is too much money.)
2- Be Clear About Your Expectations: Did you expect your kids to know the mess needed to be cleaned up by a certain time or restricted to a certain room….? Did you expect them to move more quickly or remember to clean up after themselves? Many times it can be a simple misunderstanding as roles evolve or schedules get thrown off. I take full responsibility for not being clear about my expectations as I assumed my son would know what he needed to do. Kids get distracted. They don’t have watches/phones/calendars like we do or the same sense of time.
3- Express Your Feeling or Boundary: Being clear with a boundary and how you feel vs yelling or snapping at them can be life changing. Making your kids feel like they are doing something wrong or ignoring what they are doing hoping it magically gets better over time is not teaching them how to handle their own choices and emotions. If you are a parent, then you know kids want to know “why”. When they sense your anger, not only do they self blame, but they take on your stress. Often our anger or stress has nothing to do with them, but we take it out on those around us. When I am clear about my needs and feelings, I am teaching my child to be clear about his needs, feelings and boundaries. Sometimes, a simple “I had a hard day and need 5 minutes of not talking” can accomplish the mindset shift needed.
4- Put Yourself in Timeout: If feeling really angry in the moment, give yourself permission to go to another room to calm down before losing your shit, saying something you might regret or going with a knee jerk reaction. It could be a simple walk into the bathroom, the kitchen and pause of the conversation. Like waves, feelings come and go and often better to let yourself calm down before being filled with regret. From my own history of passionate responses when feeling some intense feelings, I have responded in ways I wish hadn’t. I have learned the hard way to wait to handle things when calmer.
5- Mindset Shift: Think about something good or happy that gets you out of the heat of the moment. I find looking at a funny animal video, old photos or turning on favorite music can be a great distraction and tension breaker. We can’t ever get a day back or know what the future holds, and the last thing you want to do is spend your time living in stress and anger. I find by simply playing a favorite song, the mood immediately shifts and what seemed like a big deal, isn’t so much anymore.
6- Pause Before Reacting: If you find yourself starting to yell, try to stop and count to ten and take 10 deep breaths. Reset the switch in your brain that gives you time to choose your response vs. an impulsive reaction. We all get angry, and the impulse can be to yell when not listened to. However, we can also choose to feel anger but not let it control us. It doesn’t feel good to feel out of control. Things may get done, but if it is from a source of anger, that is not a healthy long-term solution.
7- Model What You Want: Remember if you create a household of shaming (unintentional or not), telling your kid how to feel, yelling, put downs, spanking, slapping, freeze outs and silent treatments, your kids will eventually model that right back to you. I dealt with this as a kid and picked a partner who mimicked the same patterns towards me and our child. I knew I never wanted to make my child feel alone, unworthy or scared because something upsetting happened. Often in the moment parents forget that what they give out, they will eventually see modeled back to them. Like smacking your child as you “teach” them to not hit others or play nice. It doesn’t make much sense. An adult using their size and strength to physically punish their kids is bullying plain and simple. It teaches kids it is okay to hit and they deserve being hit by the people there to love and protect them; try rationalizing being smacked inside the mind of a kid and the only conclusion is they are not loved or safe. Temporary behavior fixes may work out of fear, but it leads to pain, more anger and self esteem issues in children.
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