A break up with an abusive person is not just the end of a relationship and decision you are not a good fit for each other. No, I have had those break ups and there is a level of mutual respect, understanding, basic communication and closure. It doesn’t mean things were easy, but there wasn’t a desire to harm each other.

After giving my ex (“Chucky”) another chance at a life together, for the second time, he walked out on me and our child with no notice. He ended things with the revelation of his cheating, telling me he never loved me and was just pretending to in order to save money, oh and for my vagina (yes, he actually said these things).

He wished me dead many times as my existence was an inconvenience to him. Chucky craved novelty, freedom, and didn’t want to be a parent or have any responsibility. There were the days he lashed out like when he tried to knock me out with an iron skillet for me speaking up about my worries he was cheating. He raged, bullied, threatened, disappeared, ghosted me on set plans, and wouldn’t come home.

He lived as a single man who was disgusted by the presence of me and our son. He sometimes calmly, sometimes angrily, sometimes jokingly found ways to try and tear me down with things like-

“I don’t care if you go F a thousand men. I don’t give a sh*t about you”

“You could be Gisele with a million dollars and I still would never stay with you!”

“Just let me do what I want, when I want and I will consider staying. I want things my way with the dog I want, and furniture the way I want”

(yes, he actually made this the criteria of entire future and life, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. He couldn’t discuss things like budgets and workload, which resolutely meant me paying for and doing everything as he refused). I was not allowed to have any input because that meant he was being questioned, challenged and damaging his sense of maniacal control.

He left me with the mortgage, home to take care of, and our son. All responsibilities on me and him doing whatever he pleased. I had no time to plan financially, emotionally or physically. I had no time to sort out how it would affect my job or how to keep the house. Worst of all, I had no time to prepare my son. This was the second time he did this to us and it’s one thing to not want to be with someone, but it’s totally different to act with such indifference and selfishness towards your own kid.

The break up wasn’t about not being in love, wanting to date someone else or just deciding to end things, it was about power, control and hurting me. Millions of people end relationships, but there are things you don’t do as a matter of basic human decency.

The kicker was he still painted himself as the victim to his friends, co-workers and family. Chucky claimed I was giving him anxiety, causing his depression and to save himself, he could no longer be the great guy he had been fighting to keep his family together and provide. He left out the fact his cheating was in fact the cause of his anxiety. His anger was at me and our son for getting in his way making his double life difficult. He was cheating on me with work women who KNEW he was with me, but felt like offering their comfort in terms of nights out with him while I was home with a crying toddler unsure of where his father was.

He cheated, but it was as he said -“this all was actually your fault because you didn’t make me happy”. He put his actions and choices to neglect, mock, mimic, taunt, torment, criticize, control, not help around the house, not help with our son, rages, absences, silent treatments, ghosting, rejection sexually, porn addiction, entertainment of exes, going out with other women during the work day and after, not working hard at his job, spending recklessly, and more all my responsibility.

The thing you will find in abusive toxic relationships is that you become the target for your partners pain and frustration while also being blamed for their bad choices-

You made them mad, you made them pull their pants off and put their body part into someone else, you made them unhappy by having crazy needs such as them helping raise their own kid, you made them treat you like crap vs. talking about how to make things better, you made them lash out at you for sharing your feelings, you made them hurt you for daring to be asked to be treated with basic respect and kindness…it becomes all your fault.

What you have to remember is they did this before you, were like this before you and will likely be like this after you. No matter what they say, what pictures they post or what you hear, remember no happy person would treat someone in such a heartless manner.