I didn’t realize I was needy until I had a child with a Narc…

In fact, I thought a narcissist was a bragger, show off, know it all, had to be right, and an extrovert who thought he/she was better than everyone else.  I had no idea what love bombing, gas lighting, grey rock, stonewalling, silent treatments, withholding sex and affection, ghosting was in the context of a relationship. 

I grew up moving around A LOT as a kid between foster homes, relative’s homes, to new cities and to new states. I never knew a place to call home, but I knew the one person I could count on was me. This instilled a deep sense of independence inside of me from as early as the age of 5.  I began working around 12 year old as a babysitter, and my first official job at 14 working as a waffle cone maker in an ice cream shop in Maine.  Unfortunately, due to the absence of family support as I went off to college, I often found myself in unsafe and unstable situations doing the best I could to get by with what I had. My independence didn’t always function as glory and success.  That being said, I knew it was up to me to find a job to survive, find a way to eat and find a way to get around, and I did just that.

When I met my ex, I was focused on my career and efforts to relocate out of Florida. I never planned on being rooted there, and didn’t want to settle down with any man there. I made this clear to him from the start, yet he pursued me for months by showing up at the restaurant where I was a manager (no place for me to avoid him).  Perhaps my independence was appealing to him since so many women were after him (as he made clear to me), and after 3 months of his persistent efforts and friendship, we began to date as couple….

There is much more to this story as I will share in other posts, but here is what I want other women to know.  The narcissist in your life will not only bring out the worst in you, hurt you mentally, physically and emotionally, but they will transform your identity by labeling you with insults for wanting to be treated with basic human decency.

Things that you NEVER had to explain or ask for in a relationship, will become the center point of your world with a narc.  Things you NEVER possibly could imagine would happen, will happen. Things you were NEVER identified as, e.g., “needy”, will become your new label with a narcissist.

For the first time in my life, I was called needy, controlling, jealous, insecure, unstable, demanding, selfish, and much more.  As your self esteem is torn apart, your boundaries destroyed and sense of self lost, you spend all your time defending yourself. You become unsure if you are these things that the narc is saying.

I never knew I was needy until-

I asked for help putting our son to bed

I asked if my ex if he would mind getting milk for our son on his way home (as I was making dinner & taking care of our son)

I asked if when he went to the store, he would consider buying food for the family, not just for himself

I asked for help reading to our son

I asked for help making dinner (after working full day at the office)

I asked for help clearing the table

I asked for help doing dishes

I asked for help hanging curtains

I asked for help getting up in the night to feed our baby

I asked for him to help take our son to the doctors once in awhile, so it was not just me every time

I asked if would play with our son

I asked for him to help when our son was sick vs. leaving me home alone or up at night with him while my ex went out

 (his favorite response was “this is MY Friday night, and I get to do what I want”, or “I have a lot on my plate, why can’t you just do it”, or “my boss needs me for this happy hour and I don’t want to not be part of the team (the single boss that was picking up women for his non-work related, nights out drinking), or “it’s a mom’s job to do this”, or “you are exaggerating, he’s probably not even sick”, or “I need my rest, you get up!!”, “stop being so dramatic, I don’t’ have to deal with this”….

When I hoped that he would keep plans we made and not go MIA

When I hoped he would show up and come home for my birthday and/or take me out

When I hoped we would attend my one family event of the year after seeing one of his parents nearly every week, year after year

I asked for help with all the laundry as I was struggling to keep up doing it for 3 while working full time, doing all the meals and tending to our son

I asked for help buying formula for our son as he said it was too expensive, and expected me to use my savings to support us

I asked for him to help buy diapers (it was a woman’s job he said)

I asked to be able to keep a light on in our room past 9pm as I was still cleaning after getting our son to bed and couldn’t go to bed that early, but my ex needed his sleep with all lights off, no noise (and refused to help out so I could get to bed too)

I asked to be able to shower while he watched our son so I could get 15 minutes of alone time

I asked to know why our son was asking for other women’s names I didn’t know

I asked for him to show up to restaurants where he planned to meet our son and I

I asked for help planning our son’s birthday, buying or wrapping gifts and decorating etc. (none of which he helped with)

When I hoped he would come home after work, as I never knew where he was or if he would

I asked why he wouldn’t touch me, kiss me or show any affection

I asked why I was being given the silent treatment

I asked why women at work were texting nonstop and writing flirty comments on social media about him being “hot” etc.

I asked why he had a dating profile on Bumble my girlfriend found

When I asked for him to please get rid of old sex videos/naked pictures of girlfriends I randomly found while cleaning/organizing (that he asked for help with)

I asked why he wasn’t eating dinner with our son and I at home (he was out with women from work)

I asked if we could plan vacation or a date because I was working and parenting with no breaks, no sitters

I asked why my messages were ignored, cell phone “dying” and had no way to reach him regularly

I asked why his parents were involved in our every decision or disagreement, and if we could go to a counselor or minister instead, or handle between us a team rather than him/his parents vs. me

And the list goes on and on… I was raising a child alone and lived as a single parent despite the fact I was in a relationship. I have never felt more alone, than when I was with my narc ex.

I never knew I was needy until I met a narcissist and hoped for mutual respect, honesty, reliability, empathy, support and simply the bare minimum of human decency.