When you get into a serious relationship on the path to marriage, the natural order of things is for a man to Leave and Cleave. This vital to his connection with his partner, to his self-esteem, to his manhood, to his role as a future father, and as an adult. It is vital for a man to be able to address his own needs vs. that of his mother and move on from doting child seeking mommy’s approval into a fully grown man who makes decisions with his new partner. If you can’t go a week or even couple of days without speaking to your mom- you could be enmeshed. If you feel guilty spending time with a woman and not with your mom as she calls you- you are enmeshed. If you feel anxiety being away from your mom- you are enmeshed. If you are not going after your goals, dreams and focusing instead on your mom- you are enmeshed. If you run everything you do by your mom and make your decisions with her- you are enmeshed. If you can’t say no to your mom over fear of guilt trips/shame/scary reaction- you are enmeshed. If you feel guilt with sexual urges or can’t connect with a woman emotionally- you are enmeshed.
Mothers refusing to allow their sons space to grow up and enter their manhood can be one of the most destructive forces in his life. It is equivalent to a momma bird clipping off her baby birds wings never allowing them to fly from the nest and live life as a free and independent bird away from her. Moms like this create a child that turns into a man physically, but not emotionally. She stunts his emotional growth. She blocks his connection to other women. She dominates him and demands loyalty as his number one priority. She creates a level of dependence that leaves him in a state of a middle schooler who needs to get his moms approval for choices he makes in his life. She uses her power to keep him close and dependent on her. She uses guilt trips to control his decisions. She uses her “helping” to keep him dependent on her doing things a girlfriend or wife might be doing. She uses his health issues as a way to control him and keep him dependent on her. She uses shame with her rules and judgement that he often is filled with self loathing and anger, but not sure why or where it is coming from. She uses shame to elevate herself as the “best woman” while other women are not good enough. She uses guilt trips, shame, anger, loneliness, her needs to keep him trapped to her side or else it is implied he is a not being a good son. I mean how dare her son say no to her after all her sacrifices! She will make sure she knows how much she did for him and he is therefore indebted to her for life. When instead she should be recognizing her main role is to prepare her son to be an independent human fulfilling his own dreams.
Sons in an enmeshed mom relationship will have to put on his big boy pants and remind himself he is not a child anymore. He does not have to live in fear of his moms approval or get her permission. He doesn’t have to allow parent inflicted guilt trips and shame for making choices for his own life control his relationships. He will have to say something to make it clear he is no longer a child to his mom and that he can have boundaries. “Mom, I love you and I don’t want to disappoint you, but I will not spend be able to spend every holiday or weekend with you. I made plans and I need to keep my word.” The mom ideally should say, “Although I will miss you here, I understand you need to go live your life and can’t be around all the time. I see you/talk to you all the time and don’t want to interfere with your relationships/finding love/being happy. I don’t want you to break your word or plans to someone because being reliable is important….”
The challenge is the mom typically can’t see past her own needs and neediness placed upon her son. She feels a sense of ownership over her son and entitled to his time and attention. She continues to demand his attention even at the cost of him fulfilling his own needs as an adult and going to live his life. The selfishness is often unrecognized because it is categorized as “love” or being a “close family” which masks their excuses made for the level of control and lack of boundaries.
Although I have had a challenging family life, I value the concept of family deeply. It has been so important to me, I began saving things for my future kid at age 9 knowing I wanted to be a mom some day. Some men I have dated have tried to justify their shitty behavior by shaming me for my family history as if I “don’t get” what close family is given my difficult childhood. The truth is my childhood and family situation has no bearing on my concept of family, it simply resulted in me wanting a supportive family while also giving me the coping skills in life to be highly resilient and strong. The truth is these enmeshed men can’t face the fact they have issues with boundaries with their moms and entering into their manhood, and my abusive childhood has nothing to do with their choices. I have to say, you can accept someone for the family situation they were born into or not, but attacking someone for having being abused as kid as if they can’t comprehend the idea of family is really low (also can be a narc red flag because a typical response should be empathy not judgment for someone getting abused as a kid or having a hard childhood). Judging a person with a hard childhood for things they have no control over speaks volumes about their character, not mine (or yours for anyone else with an abusive childhood that has experienced this from an enmeshed man attacking them). The truth is while you don’t have control over your childhood or family you were born into, this adult man does have control over boundaries he sets with his mom and control over keeping his word. This is the length they will go to avoid facing themselves. It is easier to take their anger out on you vs. the true source, their mother, for being so controlling of them.
As a mother myself, I can recognize that I love my son more than anything and we are very close. However, I also understand the need for a child to have independence and fly from the nest. I want him to have autonomy and freedom from “checking in with me” or being on the phone with me when we are not together (at age 8 he has more space than I have seen grown men have from their moms). I don’t want him dropping his plans for me, breaking his word/not keeping his promises, being unreliable, being stressed having to juggle my needs with his social life or love life (in the future), feeling obligated to help me with things I could call a repair person for, to give up his weekends for me vs. dating, to decline invitations for meeting a woman because I need someone to talk to. I don’t want him to feel worn out with my messages or needs that he can’t emotionally handle a relationship. I don’t want to continue to treat him like he is still a child when he is a grown man, and will behave believing that him finding love should be his priority over me.