Love can leave you blind to red flags. Love can break down your boundaries. Love can have you forgetting your basic standards. Love can lead you to forgive against all logic. When your heart is telling you to this has to be real love, and to focus on the good in this person, you need to stop and ask yourself some essential questions. Our feelings of love can lead us down a path of destruction, and the longer you stay, the harder it can be to leave.

I have learned the hard way that having an empathetic, understanding, forgiving nature can lead me in the wrong direction in romantic relationships. If you find yourself in a relationship where your feelings and needs continue to be neglected, it is time to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship as if you were trying to help a friend.

Here are questions I have asked myself when my attachment is making me want to stay, but I know I am not happy with how I have been treated:

Is he supportive of my hobbies and interests, or is it all about him and what he cares about?

Is he supportive and interested in my goals, or is it all about supporting his goals?

Is he interested in pursuing a future together where we both help each other reach our dreams and bucket list?

Is he there for me when sick, does he care if I am sick, or is he angry, unhelpful and disgusted?

Is he responsive and caring in times of need such as car breakdown, job loss, family member death etc?

Do you trust him?

Does he guard his phone with his life?

Does he disappear often and is unreachable?

Does he call you crazy and controlling every time you express a feeling or need?

Does he call you jealous, insecure and demanding when you dare question the way he treats you or feel disrespected?

Do you have sleepless nights because of how you are treated?

Is the relationship affecting your job performance?

Is he putting you down consistently where now you are questioning your looks, your identity, your self worth and choices?

Does he lift you up making you feel stronger or put you down highlighting all your “flaws” you never knew you had?

Is he reliable?

Is he responsive?

Does he comfort you during tough times or turn his back on you while you cry yourself to sleep?

Does he turn to others for their opinion about your life and plans together vs talking to you?

Does he consult with his parents over you as adults building your own relationship together?

Does he value strangers or co-workers feelings and opinion over yours?

Does he hide you from friends, his co-workers and social life?

Does he expect your family time to be all about his family and not yours?

Does he jump to help others but tells you to figure it out on your own?

Is he happy to sit like a couch slug while you do all the chores, work and go around the clock just to keep up?

Does he have your back and will stand up for you if needed?

Does he trash you to his family and friends making it awkward as he turns them against you?

Is he treating you like an option?

Is he treating you like an inconvenience, but is all about you when he needs your support and attention?

Does he make you his last priority?

Does he use your past wounds, childhood secrets or childhood insecurities to make you feel bad as an adult?

Is he calling you names vs focusing on feelings and behaviors during a fight?

Do they activate your triggers vs try to soothe them (for example- if you hate getting scared, do they always try to scare you? If you hate being tickled due to childhood trauma, is he trying to tickle you then act like it was joke?)

I recommend writing down your questions and answers. If you don’t like the answers and pattern you are seeing, it will help give you the strength to close the door on a harmful relationship.