“Why didn’t you just leave?”
“Why didn’t you call the police?”
“Why isn’t there a hospital record?”
“I never saw any bruises or marks.”
“He was always so nice, helpful and kind.”
“He would never do anything to hurt someone.”
Women don’t get help or report abusive relationships because they are often not believed. Instead of being heard and believed, they are treated as if THEY are the abusers trying to slander someone’s good name. Women are forced to prove their own character, integrity, morals and justify their choices that might have made someone be abusive towards them. What does this mean….it means an abusive relationship is often not obvious to anyone except for those who live together behind closed doors.
Abusive relationships look like someone who is struggling to be seen, heard, understood and respected.
Abusive relationships look like no boundaries being allowed.
Abusive relationships look like blaming, attacking and treating someone as if they are your enemy vs. partner.
Abusive relationships look like a lack of sincere and true commitment.
Abusive relationships look like a lack of trust.
Abusive relationships look like controlling behaviors.
Abusive relationships look like lack of accountability and refusal to take responsibility for rages, name calling, and threats.
Abusive relationships look like withdrawal, personality changes, depression, anxiety, damage to self-esteem, anger, sadness, and loneliness.
Abusive relationships look like loss of social life, social ties and no time given to formerly loved hobbies.
Abusive relationships may not mean a call to the police over fear of repercussions from the abuser. It means the fear of being punished again by the abuser overpowers any logic about needing to make a report. It means fear of not being believed is stronger than belief the call will actually give the victim help. It means fear the victim could end up in trouble (not their abuser) due to false claims made by the abuser (using their great ability to lie and manipulate). It means fear the kids will be traumatized further with the police showing up.
Abusive relationships may not equal a visit to the hospital for bruises, but the damage to a person’s health can look like an avalanche of inexplicable health issues. I found myself with bruises inside my heart and head that no one could see, and my health falling apart. No specialist, hospital, scans or tests could determine an exact cause other than stress.
It looked like this:
Dizziness
Canker sores
Sore gums
Sore scalp
Hair falling out in clumps
Blurry vision/vision changes
Ear ringing and pain
Throat pain/throbbing/soreness
Pain in swallowing/stuck in throat feeling
Random vomiting
Rectal bleeding
Unexplained nausea
Appetite loss
Burning, chapped feeling lips
Memory loss
Insomnia
Fuzzy thinking
Leg tingling
Leg numbness
Bloating/Fullness
Acid Reflux
Forgetfulness
Irritability
Abdominal Pain
Anxiety
Inability to relax
And more…
Before you discount someone as not being abused due to lack of a bruised face or lack of police reports, consider abuse comes in many layers, much like an onion, you have to peel it apart to get to the center of it all. You may know someone being abused right now that is afraid to share her story, and awareness is key in helping someone that might need it.