You can still be positive, but real with your feelings, pain and struggles. Toxic positivity paints a fake image where life is nothing else but a posed Hallmark card, and smiles are pasted on through sad eyes or gritted teeth. It is an extreme effort to focus on ones appearance and present a “perfect” life vs. sharing true and genuine experiences. Telling someone who is going through something something challenging or uncomfortable to “just be positive” takes away their right to be seen and heard. It takes away their right to feel supported and understood. It usually is someone who needs to vent, share, speak their truth, feel supported, or just feel understood in silent companionship.
When you are stripped of “being allowed” to have a normal reaction to things like- not being allowed to feel anti-social while going through a custody battle, not allowed to feel worried about your child when with abusive narc ex, not allowed to be tired as you go through IVF cycles, not allowed to feel sad when you see your child suffer, not allowed to feel exhaustion while parenting alone with no help or support, etc… It strips away your connection to others when the forced toxic positivity silences you. It forces more isolation on you for fear of being shamed for not being up for parties, drinks or gossip and not being “fun” enough.
The emotionally unavailable friend or family member who shames you for not being more positive and acts in judgment of you with- “why aren’t you more positive?!” just makes a person feel even worse as if they are now a shitty person on top of what they are going through. Typically, these “positive pants” people are ones who simply don’t want to hear it because it makes THEM uncomfortable, and they just want to focus on themselves or lighter subjects like the weather. It requires them giving of themselves in a real way, and they don’t want to do it.
It is weird when someone else having a problem, makes another person mad or upset when it is not even happening to them! Typically, these people are more concerned with painting a certain image of themselves to others as if nothing really touches them- it is false. (the ironic part is these people will often be the first to want support and help when they are going through a hard time OR will often block out their feelings entirely and engage in unhealthy coping methods).
There is nothing worse than the friend or family member who wants to shut you up when going through a difficult time and say “put on your positive pants” as if somehow you are a bad person for going through something hard that you likely have no control over. You may logically know it will pass and look forward to things getting better, but when you are in it, you sometimes need a friend or family who will have the capacity to validate your feelings.
You can still feel hurt, pain or stressed and it does not mean you are negative. Negative is a person who complains about everything no matter what it is- going on vacation, they complain about long lines, go out to eat and they complain about the service, go outside and complain about hot sun, the cold, the rain…that is negativity. It often has no deep reasoning, no end or real substance (the impossible to please person).
Toxic positivity has become a form of competition of who is more positive and upbeat than someone else, and therefore “better”. It steals our humanity and robs us of true connection. There is nothing good that comes from silencing who you are, and being afraid to take up space in life in fear of being shamed and judged.
You can still be respected and seen as strong without hiding yourself and disconnecting under emotionally unavailability. Live your truth and recognize it is okay- you are not alone.