Let’s just get down to business as this is something that has and is affecting many women. Toxic mother in laws are one of the most common issues modern women face as they select their life partner. You aren’t just marrying the man- you are marrying whatever family trauma, family patterns and family members he may have in his life. If he has a history of poor coping skills, emotional unavailability, sex addiction, cheating, porn, financial recklessness, fear of commitment, poor boundaries with his mom, anger management, and more, chances are there are some issues with mom (and dad) that have not been dealt with. I often see women struggle with a partner that both loves and carries deep resentment and anger towards his mom that he takes out on his partner and kids by raging, ghosting, or completely shutting down. It is often due to a lack of boundaries and an intense level of control she seeks to have over his life, even as a man in his 30’s and beyond.

Here is a check list of Toxic Mother in Law Behaviors:

Cleaning and rearranging without asking (how you had is not good enough and who cares if you can find anything after)

Comments about how tired you are or how sick you look as if you can’t handle being a mom or partner

Comments about your child looking sick, unhealthy, unfed as if you somehow are neglecting your own kids

“Well, you tried” comments with passive aggressive digs noting you are just not up to par with their standards. It could be for a recipe, a party, your outfit, etc.

No interest in getting to know you because you are not important to them, and they already made up their mind about you

Comments about how you look trashy, slutty, whatever their preferred word is to reduce your quality and character as a woman

Makes promises to help then no shows followed by later saying you never let them help, or want them around.

Trying to tell you what to name your grandchild and not caring what you want or your family names

Comments about your weight, hair, makeup, but if you returned the favor commenting on their looks in any negative judgmental way, it would be so outrageous and offensive.

Ignoring diet choices for your kids

Ignoring parenting plans for your kids- stuffing desserts down your toddlers throat right before bed, ignoring nap times, feedings, bed times, basic safety etc.

Walking out on events when the mood strikes or simply no showing

Pretending they don’t see you or hear you when in a room- my ex mother in law loved loved doing this not only to me, but to my side of the family. She would come into a room and pretend like no one was there except my ex (her son) and my son (grandchild). Literally ignoring direct questions or eye contact, it was one of the most bizarre behaviors I have ever come across in a relationship with someone.

Happy to support your divorce or break up by giving her son thousands of dollars, but doesn’t have 10 dollars for kids college fund or savings account.

Actively seeks to get dirt on you and your relationship

Tries to play therapist in your relationship only taking her son’s side while not caring what your side is, or telling him she isn’t the person to go for venting about his partner/spouse

Flirts with their son/your partner like a girlfriend- calling him sexy, cuddling on couch while you sit on the other end, holding hands on long walks, etc.

Excluding you from family time-you are never part of the family, just the baby maker

Enabling her son by supporting negative behaviors ,maybe even calling him her “good boy” or “golden boy”

Non stop texting/calling

Expecting him to play nurse/therapist/handy man when she can afford to hire someone to fix things or can go speak to a professional

Expecting him to drop everything for her despite him having a job, home, partner, kids to take care of

Guilt trips….the “poor me” role with crying after she was the bully/aggressor, the withholding of love to punish him, “guess you don’t care”, “guess you are too busy”, “I am just the woman who gave birth to you” comments when she wants to get her way and get her son to do something…emotional manipulation at its finest.

I have dealt with them all and many more, just like many moms I know. Left unchecked, it doesn’t get better over time. It can destroy your family life, eat away at your sense of self worth, lead to frequent fights that destroy your sex life and eventually, your relationship. If you are dealing with this, then it is imperative your partner take an active role in setting boundaries, saying something, defending you, and learns the proper communication skills to protect the peace in your home life and with your kids.