Narcissist Red Flags- How To Spot A Narcissist
Unexplained and Frequent Disappearing- Most people communicate where they will be as there is no big secret in what they are doing, nor a need to lie to cover up what they are doing. Unless someone is a CIA agent and needs to keep government secrets under wraps, there is no reason your partner should say things like “ I have errands to do and will be back in about two hours”, then go MIA for a day and unreachable- that is just flat out creepy and bizarre. When people need time alone, they can still say- “hey, I am going off with my buddy Joe to the golf course and will be back for lunch” or “hey, I am going to meet my girlfriend, Emily, and grab lunch at this new spot, but will be back in a few hours”, or “hey, I need some quiet time and I am going to check out this new hiking trail, and plan to be back in a few hours”. A 2-hour errand or lunch should not turn into 5 hours with you unable to reach them, and when asked, they give a vague explanation, the silent treatment or rage at you. Healthy people whether they need alone time or not, should not flip out and lie about their daily whereabouts.
Inconsistent Behavior- One moment they seem like one person and all is great, 8 hours go by and suddenly everything is bad, yet nothing happened except cleaning and watching a movie. Then you are given the cold shoulder and their personality has become dark and brooding. You go to bed saying I love you. You wake up and find they are enraged and want to be as far away from you as possible leaving you confused and hurt.
Feeling of Uneasiness – Something is off, but you don’t know what it is. You get a feeling like something is wrong and you want to fix it, but nothing is wrong that you can think of. It often leads you to jumping into people pleasing fawning mode in order to preserve your sense of safety. Over time this becomes beyond exhausting.
Identity Hard to Pin Down – Once you get past the charm and love bombing (showering of attention and affection making you feel like their soulmate), you notice them copying things you say and repeating them to you at a later time as if they just came up with that idea. You hear them say things as if they are repeating them from somewhere/someone else. You won’t be able to catch this right away, but it will appear over time if you pay attention.
Memory Issues- They don’t seem to remember things you talk about or do, and it becomes creepy over time as if they are not sharing the same experiences as you. You don’t if it is intentional or something wrong with them or both. It could be they are so wrapped up on their own thoughts and performance, their brains don’t retain the memories. It really became scary over time.
Unreliable- You make plans, but they cancel last minute, no show, turn off their cell, ignore messages and prove to make sticking to a plan and counting on them near impossible. Somehow, they come back with a believable excuse that is near impossible to disprove (at first). For example, my car charger didn’t work and my cell died, I forgot to hit send when I texted you back, I didn’t hear my cell ring, my phone isn’t working, my boss needed me to attend this event, I had to help this co-worker, my mom/dad needed me to do this, I got a headache etc….
Guards Cell With Their Life- This becomes ever more alarming if you live together, are married or have a child. There is a level of intimacy and trust with your partner that should be reached where you don’t have a panic attack if they are able to see your phone screen or access it. If you can’t share it with your partner, then chances are it is something you should not be doing or saying with whoever else is on the other end of that text
Never Sure Where You Stand- One day they love you and you are an important part of their life, the next day it is like you don’t exist and they want nothing to do with you and can’t reach them. What are you and where is this going become frequent worries running through your mind causing severe stress, confusion and anxiety. Are you lovers, friends, strangers… are you exclusive, getting married…you never quite know because their moods change so frequently
Love Bombing- They want to win your love and like the challenge of doing so at the beginning of the relationship, so they flirt, charm, compliment, take you out, listen to you and seem genuinely interested in you as a person. You connect, they care about you, it is magic! Except it is all b.s. to win your interest which they quickly grow tired of. It is all about the ego boost they are getting and what you can do for them.
Sob Stories From Childhood- Fake vulnerability so you feel instantly close to them and like you know them better than anyone else. These are well rehearsed poor me habits and stories. The “openness” is simply part of their manipulation tools gaining access to your life through fake closeness. When you see someone as a child and hear about their hardships, you instinctively feel the desire to be supportive and caring to this person who got hurt.
Don’t Want to Hear About Your Childhood or Life- Unless it is to gather information to control you, manipulate and criticize you about later. They love talking about themselves, even the so-called quiet ones. The covert narcissists who proclaim how introverted they are (as they have a rotation of women they flirt with) are the most dangerous. Oddly, they don’t seem to reciprocate interest in your childhood and really getting to know you like the attention they expect for themselves. You listen and listen, then instead of them asking and wanting to know you, you must force feed them stories for them to get to know you. The good ones will pretend to be interested, but inside they want to punch themselves in the face because life is about them, not you.
Secret Life- You are not sure what it is, but you feel like something is missing and there is information you don’t have. There is a wall up and you can’t quite connect all the way with who they are and what they are doing.
Hard to Please- Nothing is good enough. You make their favorite meal, but learn that is not their favorite meal anymore as of that week. You go do an activity they want to do, but they don’t like it anymore because they are not in the mood. You waited to watch episodes of a show you both said you liked, but find they went and watched the whole thing already. You buy something nice for the house they say would make it look so much better and less depressing for them, they say- I never said that, it is fine how it is and don’t care what you bought
Lots of Talk, No Action- “Sure, I can’t wait to XYZ with you, let’s do it next month!” then thinking you have a plan or are on the same page, you realize over time that you hear lots of words, but none of the action to back it all up
Not Cutting Cord From Parents, or in Reverse They Do, but Are Very Hateful Towards Them in a Disturbing Way- could come across as no one is good enough for their family. The parents could be enablers and narcs themselves with emotional neediness and highly critical. There is an obsession with their parents whether good or bad. It could be where independence was not encouraged, and enmeshment was high with excessive praise and demands growing up. There could also be emotional neglect with them being used fill the emotional needs of the parent.
Sexually selfish– withhold love and affection to control, punish and hurt your self-esteem. You have sex when they want, not when you want. If you try, you may be coldly rejected and called a sex mania. If you don’t do it when they want (say the baby is crying), they will punish you with calling you names and seeking attention from another woman
Judgmental and Critical Comments
Obsession Over Appearance
Obsession Over Status and Money
Call themselves “simple and easy”, but been anything but those things
Lazy and easily worn out
Health issues- unexplained
Dependency on medications/drugs/alcohol
Porn addiction & Profiles on Dating apps
Flirtatious and Inappropriate– Still in touch with exes (secretive about it) and/or flirt in front of you and behind your back.
Nearly all friends are the opposite sex
Bad with money and budgets
Internet or tv addiction– physically there with you, but not there mentally or emotionally
Erratic and Impulsive
Emotionally Volatile- Comparable to a toddler that has temper tantrums and little self-control. Will punish you if things do not go their way
Shopping Addiction- They are trying to fill the void and emptiness inside of them with something
Silent treatment- one of the worst traits of them all. It is like treating you as if you are not even human to them and worth 15 seconds of their time to simply text or say “hey, I need some space or time to cool off. I will get back to you soon”.