The Narcissist in your life will be like a mold and needle covered heavy blanket that landed on top of you- weighing you down, hurting you and creating a life of disease and brain fog that you begin fighting against on an almost daily basis. It feels like a virus draining you physically, emotionally and mentally. You feel exhausted, uneasy, and bone dead tired even after a decent night’s sleep.

If with a narcissist, you find yourself in a shit storm of instability with someone who once was your perfect match and is now, unloving, mean, rejecting and raging. You may ask yourself things like- why am I having to explain basic human decency to another adult? Why is he raging at me when we just woke up or when we are at this fun event? Why does he care more about what strangers or coworkers think or need vs. me and our child? Why can’t he show interest in my family and friends like I do his? Why does he say I don’t show him I love him enough, but when I try to get close yells at me to get away? Why are holidays ruined? Why can’t we make plans and keep them? Why is there this undercurrent of dissatisfaction where you feel something is wrong, but are not sure what it is? Why is your narcissist in a revolving state of boredom, anger, unhappiness, and not at peace no matter what is going on?

When questions like this describe your life, I call it the result of Narc Confusion. You will ask yourself- Why This Brain Fog…

Here is why you have Narcissist Abuse Brain Fog:

The lack of sleep from lack of support- you will lose sleep simply by staying up late to keep up with the work needed to keep things going in your home life with a narc partner that doesn’t feel it’s their job to pull their weight. You will also be awake due to the anxiety over never knowing what is going to happen with their hot and cold behavior. You will lose sleep wondering where they are and why they ghosted you. You will lose sleep after the fight they picked right as you were getting ready for bed. You will lose sleep crying from the rejection as they keep their backs turned away from you.

One week you are everything to them, the next they want to leave you and say they never even loved you. What is real, what isn’t? Why is their love so inconsistent? It is like a horror movie combined with a love story, and your brain is struggling to sort out which script is the real one (Blair Witch Project vs. The Notebook)

Being on guard for the next fight- there are so many of of them it becomes impossible to relax and give your brain a rest

Being hypervigilant due to the narc’s sudden mood changes and extremes in their behavior when no significant events have happened…example- one day you are planning to get married, you go to bed, and the next day they say cancel everything and they were just pretending. You are constantly trying to figure out how to make things okay and like they were when you first met

Being in people pleasing mode to avoid conflict, pain, and abuse- over time, totally exhausting

Preventative measures going above and beyond to do or get their favorite things, but since they change constantly and are unappreciated, it is a huge time suck and waste of energy. Example- you know they get hangry so you make sure dinner is ready early. You prep on weekends to make this possible, or leave your job early to fit in cooking (knowing you have to make up for it later). The narc also likes to go to bed early, so you want to ensure you have quality time together by eating together. You make dinners and they don’t bother to come home, you can’t reach them, or they refuse to eat night after night (but never bothered to tell you they wouldn’t be home/not hungry). The next week you don’t make dinners, and they complain they don’t have any homecooked meals.

The constant arguing over nothing- You may say something like “I love sunny weather!” and somehow the narc is upset you like sunny weather because sunny weather is crap, too hot and how stupid do you have to be to like sunny weather you idiot….

Feeling controlled while being called controlling for asking for anything in the relationship like help around the home, with kids, bills, working together as a team etc. -you know the bare minimum that every decent human being should be willing to work together on such as contributing to your home vs. sleeping all day every weekend while one person cleans, cooks, pays bills and watches the kids.

Being constantly criticized and becoming increasingly self conscious about things that were never a worry for you – your eyebrows aren’t the right shape, why do you have that mole there, your nails aren’t perfect after cleaning all day, your breath stinks in the morning, your underwear doesn’t match…

Living in defensive mode as you are judged and told how much you are not enough and doing wrong day after day. It will feel like a high stress state of fight, flight or freeze living with a narcissist which will drain the life out of you

Feeling like you are sleeping next to your enemy vs. partner. They see the worst in you vs. the best in you. They seem more focused on hurting you than helping you in life.

Your needs, thoughts, feelings are ignored and do not matter. You become dehumanized and begin to feel like you are a robot servant living with a robot who shows no empathy or true concern over anyone else

You are not allowed to be sick, but must cater to the narc when they are sick as they make their pain a competition. Scared to be sick for fear of “bothering” them or being judged by them for being “disgustingly” sick, you often push yourself past the point of exhaustion and work when you should be resting

The only way out of this brain fog is to get away and to break the cycle of abuse (and it is abuse). It took me a long time to acknowledge and accept that psychological torment is real abuse despite our society standard of defining abuse as a punch in the face. The scars from mental and emotional torment run deeper and often leave you permanently changed. This type of abuse can destroy years of your life and lead to significant health problems. It doesn’t mean you have to remain a victim or feel powerless. It means you have to be aware of what is happening to you in order to get your power back, and begin taking necessary steps to do something about it.