I knew I wanted kids since I was a little girl. I was dirt poor, starved for both food and love, but in my heart I knew as an adult I would try to build the family and be the mom I never had. By the age of 8, I began saving items that were special to me for my future children- favorite stuffies, books & toys. As I grew up, I developed excruciating pain that often left me curled up in a little ball with such severe pain, I was not able to move. It took until my mid 20’s, but after years mystery and no solution, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I required immediate surgery and almost lost an ovary. I was told having children would be very difficult for me.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was a moment of complete joy, shock, gratitude, excitement, fear and worry. The fear was not because of not wanting my child, it was because the man I was with had turned out to be someone else entirely- someone who was not treating me well, was not showing he was good for me, and someone who I couldn’t trust anymore.

He became someone who said I was the woman of his dreams and we should get married, begging me to look for rings, to a man who was dismissive, cold, condescending, critical, disrespectful, lacking empathy, unsupportive, controlling, cruel, demeaning, a bully, neglectful, a porn addict, immature, emotionally unstable, erratic, unreliable, often unresponsive, withheld love and affection, gave withering looks, eyerolls, walked away as I spoke, gave silent treatments for no apparent reason, who made false promises and plans, and who still behaved as a little boy turning to his mom and dad for every decision as they enabled him and controlled his life. Of course, at the time, I didn’t have a full picture of all of these traits and patterns regarding my ex, (but they were all there coming to the surface as I tried to stuff the bad down and focus on the good).

Part of me having a tough childhood is the ability to forgive over and over, seek the good in others and hope for the best. In this case, that hope kept me thinking things could still work out for the best. I wanted to try for an intact family. Family life is everything to me. I had no idea, given the toxic narcissist I was dealing with, it meant things would never get better. Given I have no parents or immediate family to turn to, I was on my own. There was no safety net, no support system and no back up- at this time, I had spent a life working since I was 12 and supporting myself since age 17. I wasn’t sure how I would juggle a career, a baby and provide on my own.

Here I was with my dream coming true, so thankful for this blessing, but with a man who was off and on awful to me and not the man I had fallen for. I share this because pregnancy and relationships are complicated. It’s not just wanting a baby or wanting to be a mom, but the how of it all that changes a woman’s life in ways some may not understand.

I had been working my dream job helping open a new restaurant, lounge, and club from the ground up. I had independence, flexibility, creative outlets, was in a leadership role, helped people and doing work that had purpose and meaning. As a career focused, independent woman who planned on using the position to move out of the state of Florida, much of my identity was based on working and my career goals. I worked nights and weekends, and long hours. I was around alcohol and smoking. It was no longer possible for me to be in this role as a pregnant woman (smoke impossible to avoid). Overnight I felt like my path and been cut off, and my identity turned upside down. I was the person who always working and had a plan, suddenly I didn’t know what to do or how to best move forward.

I immediately began applying for jobs, worried I would not get one if I shared I was expecting. I didn’t think they had any right to know and it could prevent me from getting hired, so I kept the pregnancy to myself.

I began suffering from severe stress from the job loss, money worries, insecurity of it all, and toxic behavior from the father (aka sperm donor). I was faced being without health insurance- another problem to solve. I tried to purchase insurance on my own, but was denied due to having a preexisting condition i.e. being pregnant. I had to apply for and get on medicaid.

When I was finally able to secure a job, I was ecstatic (it was by no means easy), but it soon became clear it was not what I hoped for. I had no idea our country was still severely lacking in basic human rights such as proper paid maternity leave- again another way women’s lives are altered by pregnancy as they fear loss of their career advancement, job opportunities and income simply for choosing to become a mother. Women should be able to have both a career and child, just like men are able to have.

There were forced “family lunches” where everyone crowded together in a tiny space to eat. We were forced to eat in this space where there wasn’t enough room for everyone to fit at the table, so you could be eating out of your lap. It was all part of their “team building” philosophy. The aroma of all the foods and heat of all the bodies crammed together made me ill. It was hell. I was working in a small house/office with zero privacy or space, loud people next to me, no quiet or actual closed in office like I was used to, and zero independence. The job was highly structured, controlled and with very early “pre-work” meetings, where in my past I was used to working completely different hours and in my own space.

Taking away our personal time for lunch breaks, it was extremely difficult to take care of my medical needs related to the pregnancy. I call it time theft because the “family lunches” simply made it a longer work day with zero breaks. When I tried to take my own lunches, I was accused of not being a team player and had to have talks with management. There is no requirement to allow women to seek medical treatment they need during their pregnancy or change to sick time given. Women are simply expected to be robots while building a life inside of their bodies.

It also became a problem when my boss proclaimed he wasn’t a fan of kids and talks of pregnancy/children made him uncomfortable (and worse comments). I was asked to drive to appointments and make sales calls involving mortgage loans at the same time. Even now, I would not be comfortable with this given the attention driving requires and the need to be following GPS directions.

Not only was it super risky to make calls while driving given I was pregnant, but back then it was before I had a smart phone or car GPS. When going to outside appointments and meetings each week, I had to use Google map printouts for directions. How was I supposed to drive while looking at Google map printouts and be making financial sales calls where I needed to see files…(and risk my pregnancy with potential car wreck).

I decided to speak up for myself and share that I was pregnant. I also shared making the calls while driving wasn’t something I felt safe doing. I will never forget the look of disgust, disappointment and anger on my boss’s face. I imagine he was surprised, but despite the challenges, I had no plans to quit. I figured things would get better once I had my baby. I never got that chance.

After being called their rock star, suddenly I was a leper. Soon after, using the excuse that a client hadn’t liked the tone or words in one email I sent, I was called in his office and told I was no longer a good fit for the role. They had their weak justification to cover their reasoning, but this was a man who made it clear he hated the idea of kids and pregnancy. Here I was from rock star to incompetent pregnant lady. I was let go and offered 2k, and told to sign some paperwork I didn’t understand. Looking back, I should have consulted with an attorney and tried to stand up for myself, but I was scared (there are many instances in my past where this was the case). I didn’t want conflict.

(Side Note from my past mistakes: Never sign anything without consulting a 3rd party including for daycare injuries, harassment at work, pay issues, termination, medical mistakes or anything where you think misconduct has occurred)

Do you know how hard it is for a visibly pregnant woman to find work as our society says this sort of discrimination doesn’t exist….I found myself 7-8 months pregnant, unemployed for the first time in my life with no prospects. I survived because I had worked most of my life to save and making many sacrifices along the way. As I job hunted, my health was a concern and I was told to take it easy- limiting stress and get more rest. I job hunted all while I was recovering from a c-section. struggled with exclusive breastfeeding, breast pumping, taking care of all the housework, cooking and cleaning (my ex had moved into my place at this point). Once I had my son, it took me 6 months to find a job.

My pregnancy affected my job, my income, my career choices, my schedule, my health, my body, my mental state, my emotional state, my medical costs and insurance, my ability to workout, my hobbies, my ability to socialize, my friendships, my time, what I did, ate, wore, where I lived, and more. I share this because having a child can change a woman’s life drastically and I don’t see many men, or women for that matter, recognizing this.

It doesn’t mean my child is a burden or I am complaining, it simply means pregnancy and having a child has drastically changed the course of my life. It affected my life in ways I never could have been prepared for. It means telling a woman what to do with her body and reproductive choices is a big deal. It means the decision should not be forced on her by the government. It means we are supposed to want the best for women, to support freedom of choice, and freedom for a woman to make important decisions about her future.