If you have recently gone through a life altering painful end of a relationship, before you date again, you must do all you can to protect your peace. You can’t control what others do or predict a person turning into a monster. Often a mask is worn hiding your partner’s true nature and feelings, and it may not come off until years later. As you work out your feelings, needs and wants, what you can do is recognize your own vulnerabilities, attachment style, fears, childhood wounds and any trauma to ensure you don’t repeat familiar patterns . Doing what you can to prevent a repeat of what happened is a must and it is done by identifying Your Boundaries.
Many strong women believe they have strong boundaries. I know I did. Having gone to 8 schools in elementary school alone, at a very young age I knew how to handle myself in tough situations and to be strong as the new kid and outsider. I never once considered I didn’t have strong boundaries as a smart and resilient woman ready to take on the world. My tendency to be generous, loyal and care deeply about others was part of who I was, but I didn’t believe it was something that affected my tolerance for disrespect, verbal attacks, insults and abusive behavior- I was wrong again.
My understanding of myself as an independent strong woman was before I knew falling in love with abusive or emotionally unavailable men would bring out my greatest fears of abandonment, mother wounds, father wounds, anxiety and desire to be loved by someone I loved, no matter what. I realized I was a people pleaser whose empathy made excuses for other people’s horrible behavior. I did this because I had already experienced so much horrible behavior in my family, that what these guys did, didn’t seem so bad. The high conflict, frequent highs and lows, and threatening extremes felt quite normal. My subconscious thinking was love is pain, and I should do more, give more and strive to be better in order to keep the love of my partner.
It took the fallout of THREE 5-year relationships leading to two engagements with one emotionally unavailable man, one extremely narcissistic abusive man, and a third emotionally unavailable situationship rebound to realize the mistakes I was making. I was following a pattern and with my weak boundaries, I was part of the problem. I hadn’t realized how my childhood traumas were affecting me or how I wasn’t healed from the wounds that were created from it. I never really got angry or dealt with the neglect, abandonment, threats, rages towards me and many other things. I wasn’t aware I was alternating between anxious and avoidant attachment making secure love feel suffocating and boring. I wasn’t aware hot and cold love was the most comfortable and most familiar. I thought I had to do, give and work my ass off to be worthy as a partner.
I never thought I was chasing a relationship or chasing men because I was always fine being single, but what I was doing was chasing a feeling of safety, security, belonging and wanting “family” whether it be with a friend or a with a man. Ms. Independent was Ms. No Boundaries once attached to someone. It was so rare for me to get attached and open up, that when I did, it was near impossible for me to let go of the person I opened myself up to. It felt like losing that person was equal to losing my family. When you have grown up without love or stability, the result is you often seek that feeling of safety and support from those you are in a relationship with.
I was giving a man the chance to stay in my life and continue to hurt me without sticking by basic boundaries for human decency. I couldn’t get myself to leave for good and stop forgiving. My pain being abandoned and unloved in life gave me so much empathy towards others feeling pain, that I could not bring myself to leave these toxic men even when I knew they were treating me like garbage sprinkled with kindness with a dash of love.
Healing is absolutely a lifelong journey, and it starts with identifying boundaries to protect yourself. If you are not sure where to start, here is what a list of Boundaries could look like:
My future boyfriend/husband will:
Will be reliable and keep his word
Will make plans with me
Will show interest in my life
Will care about my feelings and needs
Will listen when I speak
Will be interested in commitment
Will be single (not married, engaged, about to be single, living with a woman or it’s complicated)
Will comfort me when sad
Will care when sick
Will be easy to reach (not disappearing regularly)
Will have goals, interests, dreams that he is working towards & support me in my goals as I do for him
Will communicate with me when angry without threatening or scaring me
Will help me with the household and not leave all responsibilities on me
Will be honest
Will treat me with respect and kindness
My Future Boyfriend/Husband Will Not:
Withhold affection and love
Withhold sex to punish me
Punish me with silent treatments
Flirt with other women and encourage their attention building secret relationships
Hide me from friends, family, co-workers, social media
Turn to his parents with our disagreements to shame and gossip about me
Turn to his parents to solve our household decisions vs making them with me
Will not get angry with me when I am sick or in pain
Will not ignore my messages (as a pattern)
Will not be a porn addict
Will not call me names and try to tear me down
Before you get into another relationship, identify your boundaries, write them down and don’t get sucked into forgiving abusive behavior for the sake of love.