It can’t be argued a strong relationship is supported by a healthy sexual connection. Work, kids, household responsibilities, stress, aging, health issues can all get in the way of couple time, including time for sex. All of these changes and responsibilities are a natural part of adult life that affect most every relationship.
Here are 9 Things your partner has control over that can easily kill your sex life:
1- Other women– He can’t stop focusing on, flirting, searching for, keeping options open with other women. Women are everywhere at his fingertips online. Before social media and smart phones, it was MUCH easier for exes to stay in the past. These days, exes are much more in the present, accessible and easy to keep tabs on. Sex videos, pictures and sexting are more common than ever, and men often hold onto these files helping keep old sexual memories alive. Women casually met out and about can be connected with and secretly communicated with online. Women at work may want to connect with male coworkers on social media and vice versa, which helps build personal connections that would normally not develop as much within the work setting. Some men need the ego boost and attention from other women. Unfortunately, this often leads to distance in the relationship, lack of effort, lack of connection and eventually, damage to your sex life
2- Exhaustion- The increasing financial pressures of life and increased work loads can lead to complete and utter burnout. I’ve seen and experienced it myself, but many women are taking on more work than ever trying to make money, provide, work full time jobs, commute, raise kids, be the main parent, the contact for school, the contact for doctors, do all the cooking, laundry and most household responsibilities. When you are exhausted and feeling resentful over your workload while your partner thinks taking the trash out a few times a week is relieving your workload, it can be verryyyy challenging to get the energy for sexytime mode.
3- No Dates / No Plans– My ex decided it was my job to be the one who made an effort and planned things. I was never taken out on dates. We had no adult time. His adult time was spent on co worker happy hours, nights out, with his family (excluding me), doing “errands” and being online. We had no sitters, which was blamed on budget, but he spent money freely eating out daily and buying whatever he wanted for himself. In 5 years, we had one weekend trip without our son and he was violent and cruel after drinking. Zero effort was put into dating because after having our child, he felt like he didn’t have to try any more. He then happily blamed me for our lack of fun, lack of social life and lack of romance. Needless to say, my desire went down the drain as I felt like a mom to him and he treated me like his mom.
4- Conversation Stops– It’s not like deep conversations can or should happen every single day as you stare longingly into each others eyes. No questions, no interest, no conversation beyond “what are we having for dinner” or “can you remind of…” is a sex life destroyer. For many women, an intellectual connection with conversation leads to an emotional connection. The emotional connection and feeling understood leads to a physical and sexual connection. A man only asking “how was your day?” then walking away as you answer showing no real interest, with a phone in his face, no eye contact and response of “uh uh” with a turned back, is NOT having a conversation.
5- All Others are Prioritized– “My boss wants to me to go to happy hour and I want to impress him.” (while the boss is single, drinks all the time and just wants a wing man)
“My mom needs me to fix this and needs my help” (as he runs over there every week while neglecting your own home , you and the kids)
“My friend is going through a hard time and needs me to do this..” (yet when you or the kids have a hard time, your partner is MIA and ignoring your messages).
There is nothing wrong with being there for other people or things that come up once in awhile. However, if all their effort, energy, time and attention is everyone else except you and your family, then resentment will build and block all sexual desire.
6- Taken For Granted– Things just get done and your partners is oblivious to how it happens and how much you do. The towels are clean, rugs washed, toilets clean, bathroom sinks cleaned, sheets washed, food is shopped for, teacher responded to, calendar organized, gifts bought and wrapped, teacher gifts bought, classroom snacks bought, dentist appointment booked, kids are put to bed, etc…your partner expects an insta model, business woman making money and providing, a cook, cleaner, baby maker, amazing mom all while they complain about stress of their job and wanting their alone man time. How are you supposed to feel sexy when you are playing mom to an adult man and taken for granted on top of it…
7- Porn– The increasing use of anything goes, graphic online porn has continued to replace real life and real sex (no, I don’t consider watching people have sex and masturbation the same as having sex with another human as the same). There is a form of bonding and connection sharing your body with someone you love that can’t be substituted with a screen. Masturbation/self pleasure with people on a screen is not sex with a person- that is pleasuring yourself while watching others have sex (voyeurism).
The easy access to porn, social media, and sexting has become so normalized I don’t think people realize the damage it can do to your sex life. It has replaced real effort and pursuit of a partner. It has desensitized men towards their partners who already seeing everything, are no longer excited by their naked and willing partner. It has created unrealistic standards of beauty that a regular woman’s body may no longer arouse her guy. It can support a level of laziness that prevents your partner from pursuing and making an effort to have sex. It can block connection because your partner has already satisfied themselves with the woman on the screen vs sex in real life. Porn addictions can wreak havoc on relationships and your sex life.
8- Save the Best for Others– You get the complaints, the tired version, the venting, the stress, the mood swings and not interested in life version. The phone rings and suddenly your guy perks up and has energy to have a long conversation filled with jokes with whoever called. They offer help, plan things with friends, and you get the the man sleeping on the couch. Minimal effort and showing your worst to your partner is not sexy.
9- Criticizing– For some reason they decide it is their job to point out your “flaws” and what they don’t like vs. what they do like. My ex used to make it his day’s purpose to inspect and judge my looks regardless if solicited or not. “your breath is disgusting (in the morning. You smell like a catbox (after dance cardio session). Your underwear don’t match, I don’t like that, my other girlfriends had matching underwear. Your eyebrows aren’t even. You got facial hair OMG haha, gross. You look flabby, eww. Your hair looks like crap, why can’t it look like…”
Who is going to feel sexy or sensual after their partner spends their time highlighting all the things they don’t like and supposed flaws. We want to feel good, feel loved and wanted, not judged.
HOW DO YOU FIX THIS:
One thing I have learned is resentment leading to no sex in your relationship doesn’t magically fix itself. Resentment and pain can only be stuffed down for so long before it eats away at you. If you have tried both sharing your needs and ignoring them, and continue to get brushed aside by your man, the only course is strong action.
The solution is to avoid fights, name calling, and angry words as it will only create a dynamic of being enemies vs lovers. The answer is remaining strong on the inside and soft on the outside. The solution is sticking to your boundaries showing that your feelings and needs matter by taking action. At the end of the day, actions often create more change than angry words within a relationship. Creating an enemy out of your partner will not lead to emotional closeness. Some men will never leave and cleave. Some men will not seek help for their porn addiction. Some men will act is if married to work, friends, family and everyone except you. You can’t force someone to grow up. The only answer may be to end things and leave if your partner chooses to keep doing what they are doing (you can’t control another person no matter how much hope you have).