In a world of social media, dating apps and exes that never go away, it can be harder than ever to know if that man is sincere with his feelings. The online world is a playground for narcissists, emotional abusers and con artists who are amazing actors, and great at faking feelings to many women at the same time. I recall the days when a date couldn’t be cancelled because cell phones didn’t exist and there was no texting. I recall the days when people had to get off their butts, off the couch and out of the house to find someone to meet and potentially date. I recall the days when it was scary and creepy to talk to strangers on the internet, much less, see a picture, exchange a message, then go out and meet a stranger in person…alone.

While many of our tech advances have been great, it has also brought some unwanted changes in dating- like making cheating and breaking up easier than ever. Want to talk to twenty women at the same time while you sit on the toilet- easy as pie. Annoyed at your partner- check out what your ex is doing and send a “hey, thinking about you” message. Feeling worn down from adult life- go find some excitement with thousands of options on a handful of dating apps. Too tired to try in your relationship- turn to porn and hold your partner to unrealistic standards.

If you have had the soul damaging experience of being sucked into a relationship with a love bombing narcissist, then you know it can be very hard to determine what is normal in dating after your standards, boundaries and self-esteem have been stomped all over by their classic intermittent reinforcement, hot/cold narc manipulation. The he loves me, he loves me not game will mess with your head and sense of self.

Does silence mean he is depressed, or that I did something wrong? Perhaps he is sick, or is he cheating…who knows because the narcissists like to keep you guessing and on edge. Does he just need space? Am I overreacting? Is a few days too long, one week or maybe two weeks for not being in touch? Am I being needy or not supportive enough? Why is he so angry when everything was fine last we were together?

The Biggest Lesson I have learned is to watch patterns. We all have bad days and none of us is perfect. We also can be going through things that make dating or being a good partner hard at times. What I have realized is that a person who truly cares and loves you, will not continue to treat you as if you are unworthy of their time, effort and attention.

I thought back to old friends and boyfriends, even if they were going through a hard time, lost a job, lost a family member, depressed etc., they STILL didn’t repeatedly treat me like garbage. It doesn’t mean we never fought or pissed each other off, but their pattern was NOT to treat me like I was worthless to them.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do they keep bringing up old girlfriends?

Do they make make fun of you around friends, family, or in public and then say they were “just joking”? If you share how it made you feel do they call you dramatic, oversensitive, exhausting..?

Do they find ways to criticize you daily?

Do they get upset over things you say and do, but they do or say the same things?

Do you feel like every minor disagreement turns into major conflict where you are punished for sharing a feeling, thought, opinion or need?

Are they constantly changing the goalposts for their expectations, standards, wants, and needs creating a constant feeling of uneasiness, unworthiness and failure?

How do you feel you are treated day in and day out; do your feelings matter?

If you share a feeling or need do they listen, or get angry, shutdown, ignore or dismiss what you shared?

If you share your ideas and thoughts, do you feel heard, or disrespected and judged?

Do they focus on you in a busy area or are they checking out everyone around you?

If you share something important, do they care or does the conversation become all about them again?

Do they drop everything to help you when sick or injured, or at least check up on you?

Do they have a lot of “friends” of the opposite sex; are they secretive about them?

Do they flirt with others in front of you then call you controlling, jealous and insecure if you say anything?

Do they make you a priority, or is everyone and everything else more important?

Do they have a habit of cancelling plans last minute?

Do they show up for events/dates on time?

Do they show interest in your dreams, goals and passions, or only theirs?

Do they show interest in your life experiences and childhood, or only theirs?

Have you caught them in numerous lies?

Are they willing to share their phone with you?

Do you feel like they have a secret life with unexplained disappearances?

If you have a disagreement, do they care or give you the silent treatment and ghost you for long period of time?

If you see a pattern, do not let the charm, jokes, good looks, status, or comfort of being with someone lead you to disregard their disrespectful actions towards you.