The Narcissist runs through a cycle of Love Bombing, Devaluation and the Discard- rinse, recycle, repeat. They lack object constancy with black and white thinking which means one day you are amazing, the next day you are not. One day everything is great, the next day they hate you and punish you for not doing or saying the exact things they wanted. They do not get that humans are complex beings and just because their partner disagreed with them or misunderstood them, doesn’t mean they are a bad person and deserving of their wrath and rejection. Once you have a solid foundation, minor daily annoyances or disagreements should not result in you being “all bad”, but that is how their minds work.
It is a form of selective amnesia, where they wipe out all the good when a minor issue or stressor comes along, and now you are bad as if the good feelings never existed. Their feelings will change for you on a whim which makes it incredibly shocking when years of loyalty, love, supporting and encouraging them can be wiped out by having a disagreement with something not going exactly their way. Since they view others without empathy and as objects catering to their needs, if their “toy” doesn’t do what they want, then that “toy” is no longer useful to them, and it is time to replace it/you with a new “toy”.
Void of empathy, human decency, basic respect, or honesty- one day you are the love of their life and their enemy the next day. When you are their enemy, you often don’t know what happened or why they are so cold and angry towards you. They see you as an inconvenience that is in the way of their happiness. You could have scrubbed the literal shit out of their underwear after a stomach virus, made homemade meals and did all the housework while juggling a full time job with kids, as they were “finding themselves”, and it would be nothing to them when their mood flips. You could be a super mom handling all doctors, school contact, homework, organizing and planning, be attractive, loyal, supportive, and loving human being, but in their eyes, it is worthless. When they flip their switch, you are as annoying to them as gum on their shoes.
In some cases, they will even call you a selfish monster for wanting a partner who shares responsibilities and who shows respect with basic communication and caring about your feelings. They become indifferent, dismissive and infuriated towards you. They throw out brutal, painful, insults often poking at childhood wounds or whatever “flaw” they can find about you…and they can find flaws in everything.
Here are Descriptions of How the Narc will treat you:
- Disgusted
- Annoyed
- Act like you are a mosquito they want to kill (my ex called me “squirrel friend” suggesting I need to get off his nuts and out of his space, which was pretty concerning considering I had just given birth to our son)
- Act like you drained them by daring to ask “what’s wrong, why I am being treated this way, what happened?”…as you try to solve the Clue game of why they are giving you the cold shoulder once again when nothing occurred other than “good morning”.
- They have no time for you
- They have no patience with you. You simply being there wanting to have a conversation will be perceived as soul sucking to them
- If you cry, they laugh in your face, ignore you or get angry
- If you are in pain, they will leave you without a care in the world, and will gladly go out with another woman who “needs them” and is not such a drag
- Show you that you mean nothing to them
- Tell everyone you never had a real relationship
- Show unbelievable animosity as if you wronged them somehow by simply being alive
- Show extreme disrespect
- Tell you they don’t care and to go find someone else as you share a home and child together
You could be stabbed or on own your death bed, and you would still be ignored or seen as an inconvenience. Once they are done, the history you have is wiped out, like a computer with a reboot. They don’t have regular attachment to people and can toss them aside like you would a wardrobe clean out. Their inability to fully attach makes it easier to love and leave, replacing people like interchangeable objects. The new and shiny object makes them feel better about themselves, you don’t. You have expectations they refuse to meet and are weighing them down. The new person is all sunshine and freedom which eases their insecurities, low self-esteem, anxiety and the feelings of failure they created by being a complete dick to you (then wondering why you are upset with them). The new person stabilizes their self-image and validates them; you remind them of their flaws (selfish, empathy lacking, cheating, lazy, critical, unreliable, judgmental, cruel).
They don’t care how you feel, where you go, what you do, they just want you gone. If you are crying and upset you don’t get a hug, you get called crazy and pathetic. Your feelings of attachment disgust them because they don’t feel any sense of love and loyalty to you, and they can’t comprehend you feeling love towards them (it is impossible for them to understand other people have feelings separate from their own). They will abandon you in times of need but want you to stand by them in their times of need, or else you are selfish and horrible. If they lose their job, they will pretend to love you again while they secretly make plans to leave once they are able to. When they feel they have someone else they can go to, then you can fuck off, leave, go crazy, eat shit and die for all they care. This is the narcissist discard.
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