One of the most damaging Narc behaviors is their ability to change their mind and feelings towards you on a whim erasing all history and experiences between you both. Lacking object constancy, which means someone is all good one day, then all the bad the next, they can flip on you in an instant. They fail to realize that perhaps a minor disagreement is just that, a minor disagreement, and it does not mean they should hate you and want to break up. It is comparable to looking at the weather like this- I hate the “weather” as if it were a person because it rained today and ruined MY plans, fuck that “weather”. Then the next day the “weather” appeared as sunshine, oh I love “weather”, “weather” is the best and so amazing. They want to control everything, and you are included in that need. When you have a disagreement or misunderstanding, you are threatening their control over things. This makes you their enemy (all bad), and now all positive things are forgotten, and all the horrible things they did/said are blocked out as well, so they remain the victim.
The soul crusher is with this Narc switch you can go from being the love of their life, to being no more than a stranger in a week’s time. They will take YEARS together and paint it as someone they casually dated despite being exclusive for years, either living with you, being engaged, owning a home together, having kids, despite them pursuing you when you wanted to take things slow. They say they were “stuck” with you in a marriage that they never wanted despite them asking you to marry them and making great proclamations of love!
These are common phrases that when combined and repeatedly used, show a pattern has developed which reveals a very unbalanced, unhealthy and toxic dynamic. It should never be normal for a partner to leave household and child rearing responsibilities on their partner while out with others, then calling their partner names for daring to ask for help/where they are/to stop.
Favorite Phrases When Up to No Good:
“Don’t call me and don’t text me”
“I don’t like her, omg have you seen her face”, or “she is fat, come on, really”
“She is just a friend, you are so jealous and insecure!” (when they have said for years they don’t have female friends)
“You are toxic and I need to get away from you”
“You triggered me! I don’t feel like being around you”
“I just need space and to get away from all this anxiety you are causing me”
“Work is stressing me out and I deserve to have down time”
“I don’t have to answer that or check in with you”
“This is MY time, and I can do whatever I want”
“Here we go again, it’s not that bad, are you really even sick”
“It’s not my problem”
“There is no one else, I don’t even have energy for that even if I wanted to”
“You are so paranoid and needy- this is why I can’t stand coming home”
“I have no idea why she is on my social media; I barely even see or speak to her, and she has a boyfriend”
“She is going through a hard time & needs a friend, I am just being nice and polite”
“I work hard and need a break”
“I don’t care what you think”
“You are fucking crazy”
“I don’t love you anymore. Day later- you you are an amazing person & I don’t deserve you, please forgive me, I love you”
“I can’t be with someone like you. You are so aggressive and controlling”
“If you are so unhappy, then why are you with me then”
“You are free to leave if you want, go start a new life”
“You made me mad, and I can’t stand being around your crazy ass”
“You are always tired and stressed, I am sick of it, and you are just a miserable person”
“Why can’t you just let me do what I want when I want”
“No one made you get pregnant, you are such a reckless person”
“I wish you had gotten an abortion”
“There is no one else, I don’t have time for that (yet spends all their time out with coworkers)”
“I don’t like to be questioned”
“I’ll be home when I’m home”
“I’m running an errand” (gone all day and unreachable)
“This is guy’s only event, why can’t I have man time” (yet other women are invited)
AND does things like…
Claims they are at their families or running errands, but ghosts you entire days, nights, weekends when living together. When you dare ask where they are, the Narc abuser calls you controlling and you end up defending yourself vs. them being accountable for being a shady, selfish ahole.
Breaks plans constantly
Turns off cell and claims it died (yet has car charger)
Indifferent to your life
Misses texts, but doesn’t even go to the bathroom without their cell
Avoids you
Make excuses to avoid sex
Withholds affection and acts like sex with you is gross. It is only on their terms and done as a “favor” to you depending on their mood
Mocks and taunts you
Guards their cell with their life
Secretive and vague
If you see a pattern of being dismissed as if you are no more than a servant whose main job is to work around their needs, that is your sign something is wrong with the relationship and with your partner showing you a zero respect. It is time to do all you can to make plans to break free and leave.