I’ve had to do a lot on my own. Pampered is not something I could ever use to describe my life. Whether I look back at the neglect I experienced as a young child when I was with my mother who couldn’t bother to feed me much of the time, or I look back to when my grandparents established non negotiable chores at the age of 10, I was used to things being hard. I began making my own money at a young age babysitting, followed by working a regular job at age 14. I worked all through high school, summers, college and have never known what it’s like to not work or not be “doing”.

As someone who was parentified as a child, taking on extra responsibility was my normal. I was strong, capable, independent, but I didn’t know when enough was enough. It was so normal for me to be always “doing” and people pleasing in the process, that I often didn’t realize I was taking on too much until I hit a wall of exhaustion and a mountain of resentment. Despite all of this early life training (simultaneously both good and bad), I wasn’t prepared for being a mom, full time worker in corporate America, and homemaker with a partner who thought all housework and child duties were my responsibility.

I didn’t have a partner. I had a man who thought sitting on the couch ignoring us was a gift and I should be lucky he was even there (the angry ghost). I had a man who could ignore me crying and find it irritating I was bothering him with my pesky feelings. I had a man who was infuriated if I got sick or our son was sick because it was an inconvenience to have his “servant” (me) not be smiling and operating well. I had a man who was exhausted after every single work day, but I was not allowed to be tired and was expected to tend to our child, cook, clean while he just sat there. (to women who say, you didn’t try to get his help, please know I did in every single way possible, but your child still needs clean clothes, home, food etc. and you can’t neglect your kid to get back at your partner)

For the women that feel like you are doing a lot and feel like you shouldn’t be so exhausted…hear this, you likely are doing a lot and you likely have every damn reason to feel burnt out. Never tell yourself you are not allowed to feel fed up and pissed off for taking on so much. To help myself get some clarity, I wanted to understand how my days/weeks looked.

Here is a list I made of things I did either daily or weekly:

Empty garbage cans all around the house

Change the towel/sheet on the diaper changing table

Change the crib sheet

Gather towels from kitchen and bathroom and wash them

Wash clothes for the family

Fold clothes for the family

Put away clothes for the family

Take rugs and shake off outside

Wash rugs

Clean floor in toddler’s room

Clean toddler’s room (with his help sometimes)

Pick up clothes

Pick up toys

Organize items around house

Meal planning

Cooking

Clean up after meals

Dishes

Clean sinks, counters, tables

Sweep floors

Mop floors

Clean out toddler’s potty

Clean toilets

Clean tub

Clean sinks

Wash and change bedroom sheets

Restock items for household

Restock items for toddler

Turn AC/Heat down daily (timer broken)

Fill out daycare forms

Read/review daily daycare forms

Main contact for daycare/school

Main contact for doctors

Teaching things to toddler

Reading to toddler

Feeding toddler

Prepare lunches for toddler for daycare

Brush toddler’s teeth

Make sure toddler’s special blankets are washed

Brush toddler’s teeth

Brush toddler’s hair

Potty train

Dress toddler

Make bottles

Daycare transportation

Unload/load car

Bathing toddler

And the list goes on….did I mention I was working 60 hour weeks on average as well which kept me up until the night and working on weekends

I considered I was partly to blame because I was not expressing my need for help clearly. I also had no boundaries which led to anger and stress. I wasn’t expecting a gold star for all I was doing, but what I wanted was some respect, a break sometimes and kindness vs. what I was receiving- insults, cold shoulder, disrespect, no support and rejection. Until I started paying attention to what I was doing, I honestly didn’t even realize how messed up it was that he wasn’t helping (it didn’t help I had seen women serve men while they sat for much of my life).

I thought maybe if I can show what I do in a day or a week, he will understand that we need to share some responsibilities or at the very least, stop the criticism (I get now I was trying to get him to change vs. changing the situation myself). Some men just need to be aware of what you do, and will accept their role in helping more.

Other men, will never ever want to hear how you feel or what you think, and it will continue to be all about their feelings, their needs, their moods. What I learned is when dealing with a partner who doesn’t feel it’s his job to help or work with you as a team, no amount of talking or asking for help will work unless THEY want to make a change themselves. They have to feel empathy and unfortunately, many do not. They have to have some self awareness and unfortunately, many do not. They have to want to help and not make kids and housework their partners responsibility. To the women struggling with burn out, know I see you and I recognize your efforts. There is a time a place to speak up, but I can say doing more and silently bearing the burden is never the solution.

NOTE: Know this, you can express yourself all you want to an abuser in 50 different ways, but nothing will work. To the women that blame and shame other women for circumstances like this, many of us don’t want to give up without trying. Many of us don’t understand the depth of the problem and live off hope or blame outside stressors. Many of us deal with master manipulators who have a way of excusing everything. Many of us don’t have family to turn to or a nest egg to fall back on. Many of us are afraid to leave our kids with our partner (depending on the circumstances). Many of us struggle to gain the financial stability to be able to leave and support a child. Many of us are scared of a legal battle. It is NOT always easy to walk away from a partner when you have kids.