They will say they care.
They will say there is no one else.
They will says it’s not you, it’s me, if an argument happens.
They will share jokes with you creating a sense of comfort and intimacy.
They will listen to you open up to them and act as if they are supportive, understanding and caring.
You will feel safe and comfortable.
You will feel as if you have known them forever.
You will feel supported and encouraged.
You will feel understood and accepted.
You will feel like they are strong and capable.
You will feel like you found your best friend.
They will say they love you.
Things start to change slowly as fights arise out of nowhere over nothing…they cancel plans last minute, don’t answer their phone, and you share that this hurt you. Instead of empathizing, saying sorry, meaning it, and not doing it again, they attack you and your annoying feelings causing so much drama.
You start to doubt yourself and ask yourself- “what can I do better?” or “why am I causing drama by getting upset?” – all as you forget to realize your reaction is normal to getting treated with disrespect as if your feelings don’t matter.
Early red flag behavior like missed plans, going MIA, moodiness or forgetting things important to you, will be missed because it will be blamed on their depression, anxiety and stress.
Instead of getting upset with them over hurtful things they do, you decide they need more understanding, support, forgiveness and for you to be better at no upsetting them.
They will use their childhood stories as a way to connect with fake vulnerability, then later use their stories as an excuse to treat you like garbage.
They…
Turn over while your cry.
Will tell you they never loved you.
Will begin talking to exes, on dating apps, on social media connecting with anyone they can.
Will call you jealous, insecure, crazy, controlling any time you try to stand up for yourself and ask for respect and honesty.
Will call you controlling, overbearing, crazy, dramatic anytime you try to set boundaries, share your feelings and try to be heard.
Will laugh at your pain.
Will be disgusted by your feelings.
Will feel disgust, anger and annoyance at your love.
Could care less if you have been loyal for years.
Could care less if you sleep, get breaks or time for basic self-care.
Will call you lazy if you dare so no to serving them when you are already up doing 5 other things.
Will call you lazy if you dare sleep in, but demand you let them go to bed whenever they want without helping a finger with your home or kids (and get up when they want because only they need rest).
Will one day say you are the love of their life, then the next day leave you for days/weeks/months without an ounce of care or remorse.
Will look at you like you are crazy every time you try to have a conversation about basic human decency.
It feels like you have to explain things like respect, kindness, trust, as if they don’t know right and wrong (but they do).
Will expect compliments while giving you criticism.
Will take out all their life frustration on you because they know you love them and will stick around.
Every fight they will be ready run away leaving you unable to resolve things and triggering abandonment fears.
Will plan their future without you as you think you are building a life together.
Will not care what you do, say, think or feel.
Will not care…
about your goals
about your dreams
about your past, present or future
about your interests
about your wants
who you talk to
your side of the family
your kids except as a way to hurt you, control you, get ego boost from, avoid child support, and use as image booster.
Will look at you as if you are a homeless bum trying to get something from them and just want you to get away from them.
Will forget you exist- out of sight out of mind with no object permanence.
Will despise you a day after saying they love you- no object constancy. One little thing bothers them and they are ready to move on and end the relationship, or punish you with ghosting and silent treatments.
What is the #1 Sign things are toxic– it is the endless confusion. Who is this person, what did I do wrong, should I stay or go, why am I am being treated like an enemy one week and soulmate the next?
When you try to talk about your feelings or resolve a disagreement, they will tell you just to leave-
“if I’m so bad, then why are you with me, why are you talking to me?”
You stay, wanting to work things out, but they will make you feel bad about staying. They know if you treated them this way, they would be gone.
Then if you do try to leave, they act like the victim as if you didn’t love them enough.
There will never be a resolution, stability or peace; the only answer is leaving.