Take a moment and think back to your life with your narc. Perhaps this will sound familiar and give you pause if you are hoping your narc comes back to you….these are some of my experiences-

– He called me vile and degrading names when he was tired, upset, sick, angry, sad, stressed or mysteriously annoyed with me

– He was sweet, giving, and charming for a few days. I would think, “finally, peace” or think “this is great, everything is okay!”, but then I would wake up to a cruel, angry, resentful, critical man lashing out at me for simply existing. He would be verbally and psychologically abusive out of the blue. It would change overnight with literally NOTHING that happened in between except sleeping.

-He was never wrong! Even if he half apologized, it would be to say “sorry, I snapped, you kept me up, or you know I don’t like to be “bothered” after work”. He always blamed me for any issue brought up that a normal person would say “oh, I didn’t mean to leave all the dishes and cleaning for you to do. It just seemed to be getting done and I never thought about helping. I will try to help more”. Nope, somehow his extreme selfishness and laziness was my fault (expecting me to be an indentured servant or else he would complain I didn’t love him, do enough, he was sick, etc.). If I said anything about it, well, how dare I question his authority! He did anything he could to try to make me feel hurt and devalued with zero accountability on his end.

-He lied all the time. If I questioned anything, I was brutally attacked with his verbal assault paired with cutting off all time together and withdrawal of physical contact

-After the love bombing stage, I never felt completely safe, at ease, like I could be myself, comfortable, relaxed, valued, respected, wanted, loved or “at home” with him, not even during a vacation or what should have been good times.  There was always this feeling that he was unhappy or about to snap at something. The feeling that I was not good enough to be in his presence, and he was bored with me (although he was the predictable, no hobbies, no conversation complainer).

-I felt drained, stressed, on high alert, tired, anxious, and depleted whenever we were together

-No matter how much attention, comfort, affection, nurturing, encouragement, support, love, advice, sex (his way only), help, caring and empathy I provided to him it was NEVER enough. I felt a constant feeling of inadequacy all the time. He would shamelessly flirt with women in front of me, then blame me for being jealous and insecure.  

-He would complain I didn’t care enough, compliment him enough, do enough after he would be out with women from work doing god knows what, yet somehow make it my fault…Example of life- I would give him a card with I love you, make homemade cake for his birthday, have a gift sent to his office, make homemade birthday meal, surprise him with tickets to a concert, buy gifts for later, then a week later he would say- “you never say you love me and don’t do anything for me”. 

-He would constantly test my love and constantly cross boundaries then taunt me for not having strong enough boundaries, like I was a pathetic, nothing of a woman to him…it is the life of walking on eggshells where your boundaries become worn down for fear of upsetting your partner

-Due to the fact he had traumatized me so many times with silent treatments, ignored messages, ghosting, cancelled plans, not coming home, disappearing for the day, being on dating apps, hiding his true plans/intentions, had full on rages lasting hours rolling into days of word salad nonsense, annihilating my character, mimicking me (yes literally like a child), mocking me (like a child), plugging his ears at times (like a child), calling me any sick name he could think of, talking about murdering me so much our son began to tell others about daddy killing mommy, dealing with his panic attacks, depression, anxiety, medication mood swings, I began to have a permanent state of fight or flight anxiety and PTSD.  A sickness in my stomach and body became my new norm (and still often is today years later)

If you look at what your narc has done to your life, I guarantee the list of negatives is far greater than the good. If you see the relationship patterns, the moods, behaviors, how dismissive your narc was to your needs and feelings, you will see how bad it was.

If your narc cheated or left, it was a gift and blessing in disguise. They are not a different person, happy, and living a dream life with their amazing new partner.

We were hurt by someone who enjoys hurting others (narcs) and passes their pain off and onto you. We get all mixed up trying to be better and prove ourselves to this monster person, when all along we always were worthy.  You shouldn’t have to prove to someone why they should be kind or caring to you. You shouldn’t have to be someone’s indentured servant to keep the peace at home. You shouldn’t be shamed into silence by expressing a basic need for love and support while you give every ounce of time and attention to this soul sucking vampire.  We were deceived, brainwashed, and manipulated by someone who feels no remorse or empathy.  Every moment, holiday, trip, gift, meal, I love you, was part of the game, the mask they wore, the charm they put on to get you sucked in.  It is likely there were more ruined dinners, trips and holidays than good ones when your narc threw one of their epic fits.

The person you loved NEVER EXISTED. Your narc faked and pretended. The imaginary person is who you attached to. He pretended to be what you wanted and mirrored you.  Realize you can’t fix or help the narc. It is a never ending cycle of watching for their mood, being their punching bag, having them show co workers and anyone/everyone else more love and kindness than they show you and your kids. It is a life of them complaining, being bored, feeling empty, critical, sick, lashing out, whining, selfish, adult babies who will toss you away in a second if someone else comes along they think is more beautiful, younger, richer, high status, etc.  The only option is to wake up and stay away. Waking up alone is better than with a hateful, narc monster.