What is the one thing all cheaters have in common? Well…after living with a narc cheater and hearing many stories from women over the years, there is much they have in common (it is eerily like hearing a description of the same of person).
More than anything else, this is THE one thing they have in common- cheating is a choice a person makes to hurt someone without care or conscience. It is a form of extreme selfishness paired with lack of empathy for others sprinkled with a weak moral compass. Being in a relationship is a choice; no one is forcing a person into the bonds of faithfulness, trust, accountability, and loyalty to one person. If a player wants to play, then he (or she) is free to play and do so without working to destroy someone else’s life in the process. It is those that choose to be in a relationship and stay in it, who refuse to address their issues and instead turn their backs on their commitment to their partners, that are choosing to be despicable human beings.
Here Is My List Of What Cheaters Have In Common:
1- THEY WEAR A MASK- they are one person at home and a completely different person in public and at work. They must appear like the “nice guy/lady” who would never do such a thing (hence being told by friends, family, co-workers that he is so kind, such a good guy, has great values, is a gentleman, so helpful, charming, etc. that they would never believe he is a cheater). It is a sick manipulation of their true nature and masking of their feelings of entitlement, selfishness and denial to themselves of who they really are. In my case, even when co-workers at my exe’s place of work knew he was with me, they participated in his outings with him hitting on women vs. being home with me and our son (not knowing where he was). Even knowing he was having an affair with a woman at work, one woman still came to me defending his behavior as the good guy citing he had “anxiety and stress”. Even after his family clearly knew he was lying about where he was, using their home as a cover to not come home, being unreachable to me as I asked them where he was, they still turned a blind eye to his philandering in their total and completely delusional denial. When a person’s own parents can’t hold their child unaccountable for basic human decency, then it goes without saying they will have trouble setting moral boundaries within themselves, and feel entitled to do whatever they want (and the cheater acts like a victim “poor me, I am stressed” in the process).
2- PATHOLOGICAL LIARS– the lies are outrageous and one leads to another. They lie so much they begin to believe their own lies and live in an alternate reality. It is beyond frustrating when facing a person who now has become delusional as they call you delusional, jealous, crazy, or insecure when you dare question things like why they didn’t come home after work and turned their cell off, where they went they entire weekend needing “alone time”, or why they are going to happy hour after work everyday, but have not time, energy or money to go out anywhere with you…. They lie to everyone. They lie to their friends, family and the person they are cheating on you with will hear stories about how TERRIBLE you are, all while you work full time like they do (except longer hours). You pay more of the bills despite them making more money, you feed and get your child ready in the morning while they get themselves ready, you feed and put your child to bed while they sit on the couch or disappear looking at social media, porn and texting exes, you make sure your home has everything needed that they somehow pretend is never their concern like toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning products, paper towels, soap, diapers, etc. everything just magically appears and gets taken care of. You handle the food shopping, meal planning, cooking, dishes, garbage, cleaning appliances, washing clothing, folding clothes, putting clothes away, cleaning toilets, sinks, counters, showers, floors and more, You make sure your kids have insurance, you find doctors for your kids, make the doctor appointments and miss work to take them to the doctors. You are the main contact for school and handle all the teachers/school’s messages and needs, you make sure gifts are bought and wrapped for parties, you make sure items are bought for school events and teachers, you make sure your kids get to school on time, you track special events, you make sure you stay on top of assignments, homework and tests, You make sure everything is handled and running smoothly in your household putting your needs last because when you do not do it, it doesn’t get done and your partner gets mad at you or blames you.
3- HAVE VERY FEW REAL FRIENDS of the same sex, but many female “friends” and inventory of exes they stay connected to often secretly
4- USE PEOPLE– it is about getting what they want and using others to serve their needs
5- CRITICAL & CONDESCENDING
6- EASILY BORED – they are never happy, satisfied or at rest for long. Even when things were seemingly great- a beautiful Saturday morning with fresh coffee, homemade breakfast, sunny skies, giggling child, my ex could never just relax and enjoy the day with us. He was agitated and constantly on edge. It was as if he was uncomfortable in his own body and mind. However, he could flip a script and suddenly be Mr. Charming when around a cute girl from work as he put that mask on. It took me years to realize that he was unable to just “be” in life. He was unable to just appreciate and be grateful for his blessings. He was jealous of his parents wealth, his friends with newer cars or bigger homes, he was simply discontent with life. For cheaters, it is like there is a constant search for something more and something better, a something that does not exist.
7-EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE- critical, controlling, condescending they make like unstable and chaotic. Their partner is shamed, ridiculed and constantly put down. The cheater works to make tiny tears into their partner’s self-esteem so they never feel good enough. The person who was once supportive and encouraging, is now cruel and judgmental. The person who made you feel safe and comfortable, now makes you feel unsure, unsafe, and uneasy. The person who seemed to “get you” and you could share anything with, now is annoyed and angered by everything you say and do. Even your breathing or just speaking seems to bother them as if they just want you to die and go away. Imagine being with the person you love and are devoting your life to, and they don’t even want to hug you, share a bed with you, or even speak to you. Yet, you have no idea what the problem is or why the cheater is behaving in such a callous and disrespectful manner.
8- NO EMPATHY- they fake empathy when it seems like the thing they are supposed to do, but it is forced and fake. They show more empathy towards strangers and co-workers than they do their own partner and children. If they are sick, you must stop everything and tip toe around their demands and needs often hearing things like “I am going to die!”, or “You couldn’t possibly understand the pain I am in, no one can!”. However, when you are sick or your kids are sick, they are annoyed and angry for you ruining their day and being such a huge inconvenience- HOW DARE YOU GET SICK! I recall being left alone so so sick while my ex and his mom celebrated his birthday without me; they left me home alone as they had a blast (of course she was happy she didn’t have to share her son). There was no offer to get medicine, celebrate later or concern for me showed. In fact, my ex called me “disgusting” and shamed me for coughing of phlegm and looking terribly. They do not care about hurting their partner as what they want in the moment, and that is what is what is most important.
9- SELFISH-You do so much invisible work on top of your own job, you often can’t get 5 minutes alone just do your makeup and heaven forbid you don’t look rested, put together and fit, or your partner will bombard you with disparaging comments about how you look. My ex took it upon himself to be my personal critic when I never asked “hey, do I look okay?” because he loved pointing out flaws he saw. When I looked great, I was met with silence, not compliments. For himself, was so extremely needy and insecure, he would become angry or pout if I didn’t tell him daily how great he looked and once was not enough. It was supposed to be my job, to say how amazing he looked while he told me how terrible I looked! What a fun game! It is all about THEIR NEEDS, their schedule, their time, their feelings, their wants. You are not allowed to have your own feelings, thoughts or needs. If you dare raise any need of your own, you will be met with chilling stares, silent treatments or rages about how selfish you are. It is projection at its finest.
10- CONTROLLING
11- IMMATURE
12- ADDICTION ISSUES – could be porn, alcohol, medication abuse, gambling, shopping or just zoning out day after day on the internet. They are trying to fill their emptiness with something and reset the chemicals in their brain. Unfortunately none of these tactics, much like the cheating itself, will work because it is a temporary high that is simply a distraction from their inner pain.
13- DENIAL– they don’t own up to the affair even when caught. They somehow manage to avoid feelings of remorse because their conscience is missing. They were entitled to cheat because their partner didn’t do what they wanted. My ex flat out said “it is your fault I cheated because you didn’t make happy!”. The projection and denial of their wrongdoing is UNREAL. I was blown away by the projection, the inability to take responsibility of one’s choices and total disregard for the wrong he was committing.
14- SUFFERED SOME CHILDHOOD TRAUMA– Often controlling and critical parents who neglected their emotional needs. Many were enabled and spoiled, and continue to be treated as children after they become full grown adults. If parents do not listen to their kids needs and suffocate their kids power and independence, eventually this kid will turn into an adult that has severe control and self-esteem issues. Enmeshment with parents is common where the parents use their child as substitute partner/best friend guilt tripping them from having their own lives and partners.
15- DRAINING PEOPLE– they suck the life out of their partners with their drama and rages. While the world sees the poor anxiety ridden cheater suffering from health issues, perhaps blamed on their partner, (the one working like a servant and like a single parent at home while their cheater partner repeatedly neglects their responsibilities and abandons all duties), the cheater is making their partners life a living hell. Their partner has no idea what is wrong, but everything is wrong. They are trying to put out fires only to have another one pop up as they live in the twilight zone created by the cheater. You assume trust in your cheater partner, but then facts do not line up and reality between fact and fiction becomes a distorted mess. Were they really working late, or were they really at a bar with the cute girl from work….I always gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, and it turns out, I was played a fool by a con artist spinning his web of lies.
16- CHEATERS ALLOW BOUNDARIES TO BE CROSSED- we all go through life seeing and meeting attractive people. As a woman, I often get hit on, but when in a relationship, I set up walls and boundaries to protect my partnership. I make it clear I am taken and that is that. Cheaters will be receptive to and invite flirting, and use it to feed their low self-esteem or boost their ego- “see how great I am, look, this woman wants me to so bad, and I really need her validation to feed my ego as the sad pitiful human I am”. They will follow their teenage impulses to get off on this attention from others. A non cheater will not care about the attention of others because it bears no real meaning or value- all they care about is being a good partner back to their love. Cheaters CHOOSE to cheat. You don’t just walk up to a person you find and a body part ends up inside of another. Cheaters go after and welcome the attention and advances. They choose to have intimate conversations, They choose to make time for this person. They choose to go out with others vs their own partner. They choose to not help out at home and make things as hard on their partners as possible. They choose to neglect their partner and cause fights to then justify their cheating. They choose to lie about where they are and who they are with. They choose to drink. They choose to put themselves in a place where a physical engagement can happen. There are TONS of choices that lead up to cheating giving the cheater many chances to make a different choice.
17- THEY JUST DON’T CARE– you can fight for you partnership with all you have, but the cheater will not notice or care. Nothing you do will be good enough. They will destroy good, faithful, loyal and compassionate people who have stood by them through every job loss, problem, stress, sickness etc, and in return go behind their backs to sleep with someone else (because life is hard and they are stressed, so it’s okay, right).
18- THEY HAVE NO RESPECT – they want respect, no, they demand respect, but they give none back. If you ask or expect respect back, they call you “demanding or controlling” when in fact you are asking for basic human decency. Ignored message and calls, silent treatments, withholding sex, love and affection, rolling their eyes at you, making no eye contact, tuning you out, forgetting everything you say because it is not important to them, mocking you, mimicking you, taunting you, calling you names anything they can do to make you feel less than. Then when you react, well you are crazy, overbearing and just an awful person that they now have an excuse to be cheating on and getting away from. What they do is set you up to be the bad guy. They set you up to be blamed, so they don’t have to be responsible for being an immature, selfish, moral less cheater.
CHEATERS CHOOSE TO CHEAT, and therefore you can CHOOSE TO LEAVE with no regrets.