Looking back on 2020, which is a complete blur of days melting into each other, the amount of human contact is shocking- one weekend with a guy I was seeing, my brother visiting 2 times and 2 hours with a girlfriend. Aside from run ins with my neighbor, March 13th and on, it was just me and my son. A year was spent inside our small apartment as we battled virtual learning nightmares with tech issues, internet issues, computer shutdowns, teacher tech issues, confusion over how to do assignments and what to actually do, how to turn in assignments in, and endless changes coming from the school that turned school tasks into a 2nd job. Being trapped behind a screen at such a young age learning increasingly complicated math is no joke. Expecting kids who did everything in person to suddenly know how to navigate google classroom assignments and typing was also a drastic and frustrating change.
There was no pod or social circle to help offset the strain of it all. There was no time for me to take a break for lunch with him; it was me rushing back and forth between my meetings and computer as I threw food together for him to eat by himself. There was very little time outside as most of my workdays were nonstop right up until 6pm followed by me having to immediately jump into dinner prep. To keep your child indoors and alone for most of a year is simply not good.
There was a lot of insomnia. A LOT. Migraines kicked it up a notch. Overwhelming exhaustion and barely able to stay awake through the days created a dependency on coffee, and although I limited it to one cup, using any amount of caffeine is dangerous as it can trigger migraines.
How did it affect us?…
There was resurface of major issues with my ex and his narcissism flaring up as if we had just split up yesterday despite it being over 4 years ago. The punishing moods were mostly directed at our son, and resolutely me when I stepped in trying to protect my son who at age 7 then 8 is not equipped to face the erratic mood swings, violent rages, put downs, threats and more. To hear things happening and not being able to fix them is like a sucker punch in the stomach. It eats away at your peace and disrupts your soul at its core. Hearing your child leave you messages with cries and fear, or calling you over and over upset, and sit with the anxiety of what is happening or what might happen ends up consuming all your emotional resources leaving little room for anyone else.
With legal court orders in place and child services already having been contacted, the ability to do anything is limited. Having to tell your child- call 911 if things get bad because you are not there to protect them weighs heavy on a heart and mind. Making sure he tells someone other than me (school counselor, teacher) has been the only recourse to help alleviate the situation in hopes it helps protect him. The failure of our legal system to catch abusers and support victims is a crime in itself. Victims are ignored and not believed, while abusers are given the benefit of the doubt and more chances.
For work…
My job completely changed when I was no longer allowed to visit the 8 to 10 clients I used go see every day. We went from setting our own schedules, controlling our own time, talking to people in person, 1 company meeting per week to having daily video meetings for work, endless phone calls, and every minute monitored and controlled. It is strange when you end up doing things you swore to never do and know goes against every part of your humanity…for me it is being trapped on a phone with a script and doing repetitive tasks on a computer with zero movement, freedom or creativity involved. Excluding extreme circumstances of course, it is my idea of hell, yet when you need to pay bills, support a child, be home with your kid, provide benefits then you do what you have to do.
With little to no human contact aside from torturous zoom meetings, parenting alone and finding it impossible to make new friends as a single mom (excluded socially from childless couples and from married couples with kids), the loneliness can creep on you. Like many, by becoming a single parent, my identity changed and so did my career path. I imagine many of us wake up and question where our life is going, and how it compares to the plans we had before the twists and turns came.
It brings the question, where do single moms fit in within our society? As the backbone of many families in this country, single women do A LOT and yet, get treated like we are less than many times and as if we did something wrong. I look at myself and other single moms as super women. We didn’t give up on our kids and are there fighting to do the best we can for them day after day often with little or no support or breaks. We understand what it means to be strong, resilient and never quitting. I feel like many should be asking us for tips on life and how we do it vs. looking at as if we failed by not being in a relationship with someone (who in many cases was abusive and toxic).
I want to have a full life and show my son a non-exhausted, less stressed and happier version of me, but I find it hard to climb that wall to make it come to life despite my best intentions. I realize at the end of the day only I have the power to make changes. I realize that sitting behind a screen watching Netflix when I am stressed and worn out is not the answer. It is not going to bring me any closer to feeling like I have an identity beyond feeling like a “chore and task robot” keeping my household in order. While I need my alone “me time” while awake, I also know I desperately need sleep and it becomes a war of priorities.
What to do I ask myself…and this is what I came up with-
Small daily habits that don’t require a huge shift can have a big life altering effects on your world. For me, it is daily walks and exercise to keep my mood and energy up, and my anxiety at bay. If I don’t move, I feel sick, tired, angry, frustrated and it affects my parenting. Another daily habit is also getting good sleep and fighting my habit to be online or Netflix for my “down time” after parenting and work. It keeps me up and makes it hard to get through my days after a crappy night of sleep.
Setting a daily intention to focus on gratitude and strength is helping keep my spirits up which my son needs to see. It is so important in hard times to try and model coping skills as a mother so our kids feel safe and secure in life, but it isn’t always easy. Coping skills I use are “being in the moment” and “watching where my energy goes” to help bring some peace back into our lives. This means actually sitting down for meals and truly listening to my son vs. cleaning while he eats and worrying about all the shit I have left to do. It means playing with him instead of working so much and realizing he will be gone out of house before I know it (and the work and cleaning will always be there). It also means not obsessing over trauma from the past and all the things my ex has done as it just makes that trauma take over what could be a new good day. It is finding Ted Talks and podcasts that enrich your mental energy.
If I could sum it up in one of my favorite movies, “Happy Gilmore”, it would be : “harness good, block bad”