Now more than ever, we need to not only protect our bodies as women but protect our emotional and mental health.  No matter who you are or your background, beyond wasting precious time and energy, abusive relationships can cause serious damage in your life.  

After significant harmful dating experiences and severe narcissist trauma, I have learned how important it is to have clearly defined standards BEFORE getting emotionally involved, and to stick to them once you are emotionally involved.  It is before you get attached or have too much time invested that your head is the clearest. I always thought I had clear standards, but my empathy and desire to be understanding has often sent my standards out the window. Once in the relationship, the person you are seeing may change drastically (as often is the case when facing narcissism and the mask of charm falls off).  It is before you get too involved when you have the best chance of preventing an unhealthy or abusive relationship. If your essential standards are not kept in mind you could end up in a toxic relationship.

My hope for anyone reading this, is that perhaps it might help prevent you from ending up in the wrong relationship. (20) Tips Below:

Is He Single- Going through a separation, about to get a divorce, living with another woman, engaged, about to break up with a woman, unhappy with kids…is NOT SINGLE.  There are so many stories of women listening to sob stories of how much he doesn’t love, about to leave, can’t get away from whoever he is with, but none of these reasons matter. There is no partially/almost single.  A healthy person will want to wait until they are truly single and living on their own before engaging in a new relationship.

Is He in Jail- This may seem essential to some, but for others, not so much. It is hard to believe women will actively seek out and sympathize with murderers and abusers like, Chris Watts, but it happens. There are millions of men in this world that do not abuse women, and I consider this to be a healthy guideline to follow (not seeking out a man in jail).

Always Be Willing to Leave- No human on this planet has the right to control your happiness or endanger your body, mind and spirit. Your safety and health are more important than being in a relationship or fighting to keep one together. Make it a must to have a plan of action for yourself in case you ever need to get out of a relationship- friends, support group, family, church, emergency savings, etc.

Is He Consistent- One day everything is great, and you feel like the woman of his dreams, the next he refuses to respond to a text and goes MIA for a week or two.  One moment he can’t get enough of you, the next he is saying how great his ex is and has tons of random women added to his social media-  Hot/Cold/Hot/Cold.  It is naturally addictive to our brains as we work to keep the same interest they initially showed with intermittent attention, or meet the challenge of trying to win someone’s affection and commitment, but this is a game you don’t have to get caught up in.  It is exhausting, stressful, time sucking and not worthy of your energy or effort.

Is He Reliable- Is he keeping plans, showing up on time, returning phone calls, responding to texts, willing to help if sick….

Is He Emotionally Available- Is he showing interest in your life, is he asking questions to get to you know your likes/dislikes, is he asking about your childhood, is he asking about what’s important to you…or is it all about his needs, his history, what he likes and what he wants (and it may seem to change because he is not speaking authentically from the heart to you).  Example- I asked a guy what his career goals and dream job would be. He kept changing his answer as I continued to ask the question in slightly different ways over time (thinking he may ask me back in return one time). Oddly, he never seemed to recall what he said the previous time. I noticed he was just saying random things to get me to shut up as he didn’t want to truly connect with me.  He also never asked me the question in return.

Is He Addicted to Drugs/Alcohol- How is he handling life stressors? If his way to handle it is through substances on a regular basis, then how will that affect family life, work, helping around the house etc.?

Is He Hiding You from Social Media or Forcing It on You Too Quickly- If you are not allowed on his social media after a period of time, he is still single. If you are put on his social media right away when you just met, he is not valuing you for you as you don’t know each other well enough to be rushing advertising your dating status (it could be a sign of love bombing).

Is He Hiding You From Friends/Family or Forcing Meeting Them Too Quickly- If he is rushing to show you off as his new girlfriend when you barely know each other, that could be a sign of love bombing and a need to slow things down.  On the other hand, if they don’t know you exist after you are exclusively dating, then he is still single.

Is He Pressuring You Sexually- You should not feel like you are being used like a sex doll or obligated to be sexual to win a man over. He can wait (that is what masturbation is for). The days of courtship seemed to be eliminated for many in modern times, but I know time is the best indication of getting to know someone. Sex clouds judgement; waiting to have sex will help you see red flags before you become as emotionally attached. It is much easier to walk away from a man and forget about him when you have not been sexually intimate with him.

Is He Addicted to Porn- This is a major issue and may be harder to determine early on, but I have found it can be discovered and might even be a question that comes up in conversation.  Porn is a personal preference, but if a man can’t stop or control it, then it is now a coping mechanism and addiction. If he prefers porn over real human contact, from personal experience, it can be devastating to your self-esteem and relationship.

Is He Showing Empathy…or treating you like an object, with zero concern for your needs, feelings, and thoughts. Example- he gets sick, goes into a rage and all must be dropped to cater to his sickness and mood. You get sick and he is annoyed, can’t be bothered, is grossed out by you, goes MIA, or is angry you “inconvenienced” him.

Are You Free to Be Yourself…Without feeling judged, mocked, criticized, or angering them?

Assume Good, But Don’t Overlook Red Flags- Don’t assume he is a horrible person because he was late one time or didn’t text back within 2 days. None of us are perfect, and things come up in life, but what matters is a pattern of behavior. WATCH THE PATTERN! Don’t make excuses and give endless changes (I have been guilty of this myself). Beware of your own tendencies to forgive, to always see the good in a person, trust easily, be understanding, people please and a desire to avoid conflict. Is your empathy affecting your standards?

Is There a Power Struggle- Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells afraid of upsetting the mood, so you stay silent about what you want? Is there a need to please this person or else a fight will erupt? Are you not able to ask for help or express a feeling without getting called names that you are being “controlling” or “bossy”… that is a sign of a power struggle.

No Sex Unless Exclusive Physically- Do you really want to sleep with someone sleeping with someone else….  It doesn’t mean seriously committed, but it means sexually safe to protect your health. You can be exclusive physically without being committed in a full blown relationship. It is an agreement to ensure while dating and getting to know each other, you won’t be at risk. It is your right to expect your health to be respected.

No Sex Videos/Pictures- This is a matter of safety in this modern day. Pictures and videos can be saved and shared.  You have no idea what this person will do or who they will share your images with. Perhaps you don’t care and think “it’s no big deal”, but look at your value…I see you as valuable and that includes who you share yourself with. We are the prize and men need to work to win US over, not vice versa. Why is a man you are dating deserving of getting nude photos by taking 5 seconds to move his fingers to text you “send me a sexy pic”…In this world where anything goes with everything at a man’s fingertips through the internet, what value do you think is held towards getting a naked picture or video from a woman…why do they deserve this piece of you?

If They Say They Don’t Want a Relationship- If a man says, “I don’t want a relationship”, then you say “okay” and leave. You don’t keep trying harder proving you are “worthy” to a man that says he doesn’t want a relationship.  It is not your job to prove your value to another human. You are valuable as you are. You are loved and wanted.  If you want a relationship and they don’t, then you are not on the same path.

Ask Yourself What You Value About This Person- Are you afraid of being lonely, getting older, feeling pressure to have kids, wanting to win his love, feeling like abuse/pain means he really loves you? There are many charmers out there who use their words, humor and sob stories to win the attention of women, but I challenge you to ask yourself what actual value they bring to your life.

Be Aware of Your Attachment Style- It is not your job to be a therapist, nurse or caretaker to an adult man. We are often conditioned to play these roles as women and neglect our own needs in the process. However, being supportive is different than total neglect of your own needs and self-care. If your attachment style includes feeling the drive to people please, solve other people’s problems and be there for them no matter what, be “superwoman”, ignore your self-care…all generally found in “anxious attachment” styles, then it is vital you are aware of your habits.  My emotional state and anxious attachment has made me a magnet to avoidant attachment styles (hot/cold man). It feels like I have to do something and give something to be worthy of love. This is dangerous as it can lead to being in abusive relationships.

These are the dating standards I found to be most important to prevent unhealthy dating and relationships. I am still working to follow them and know it will be a lifelong journey.  Never forget you are worthy of love, worthy of respect and worthy of kindness in your relationships.