1-Identity- Remember who you were before you met this person- that person may be hard to remember. Remember who you were as a child. Remember how you felt and how you lived your life before your life became a series of never ending senseless arguments. Emotional abuse has a way of stripping away your identity. It rips out part of your spirit leaving you a shadow of who you were, therefore you must work to remember your previous self. Remember the person that did not have the voice of their partner in their head telling them a list of faults and failures every day of their lives (picking them apart for the tiniest things like a hair being out of place, or a chipped nail).  Remember the person that felt excited about their future instead of worrying about the next rage outburst that could appear out of your partner at any given moment. Remember the person who had so many interests and plans before the exhaustion of psychological torture took over. Remember the person who felt free to speak their truth and express their feelings. Remember the person who could share their opinions and ideas, before the fear of upsetting their partner took over.

2-Activity– Find an activity that you love to do or that makes you forget that inner critic voice in your head that will never turn off. The activity could be something you stopped doing when your partner shamed you for not giving and doing more. You know, the partner who refused to help with the house, kids, adult responsibilities for the family, cooking, homework, doctors and more, and totally fine putting all the work on YOU as they slept. Find the activity you just didn’t have time to do anymore because of everything else on your plate. Do the activity that will allow you to be YOU, and not have to be in the parent role, teacher role, cook role, maid role, therapist role, nurse role, business woman role…just you.

3-Replace Stimulation with Something Else– You have now developed a physical and chemical reaction in your body and brain due to the highs and lows of the abuse.  This is often termed the trauma bond. It is real and it is powerful. The trauma bond causes withdrawal symptoms much like as if you were using a drug, and then going cold turkey off it.  This is a physical connection that requires a huge amount of self control and time to fight through. It is a daily battle as you release your dependency on the hormones the abusive situation created in your body. The highs and lows from the fighting, the hot and cold treatment you received, the confusion, the desperation, the making up, and all the toxic abuse that was done in a vicious cycle repeated for years, has now created a horrific addiction in your body.  You will be waiting with a sickening anxiety for what is about to happen next. You feel like something is missing from your life even knowing how badly this person hurt you and damaged your life.  They were your source of stimulation as you spent your time walking on eggshells on high alert for the next “problem”.  You MUST fight the urge to contact them and immediately do something else. It can be as simple as drink a cup of tea, turn on some music, or take a walk, but you must train your brain to do something else besides connect with the abuser to get your “fix” and sense of calm.

4-Remember Your Goals- Take time to write down your health goals, financial goals, bucket list, personal growth goals, career goals, your passions and everything else that pushed aside as you were in fight or flight mode with the abuser.

5-Be In the Moment- This will center your mind, body and soul so you can begin to enjoy your life. Depression over the past, and anxiety over the future can wreak havoc in your inner and outer world. Every time your abuser steals your peace, they are stealing moments in your life you can NEVER GET BACK.  When the trauma comes to mind and old fights come to mind, simply focus on the next hour. What can you do that hour that does not include thinking about your ex…

6-List Bad Things They Have Done to You– When you miss them and are feeling needy or lonely, you must stop this longing.  The best way is to write every cruel word, every missed event, the judgements, the criticizing, the blame, the negativity, the attacks, the threats, the gaslighting, the pointless fights, etc. so you do NOT romanticize who they really are.

7-Consider How They Made Your Life Better– This is part of perspective shifting.  Did they really make your life better…did they leave you with all the bills, or control your finances like dictator? Did they really help you feel less lonely, or were you more lonely being with someone you love that is not loving you back consistently?  Did they really help around the house to ease the burden, or do one thing once in awhile and expect endless glory and praise? Did they really offer support, or simply demand you support them while not being allowed to have any needs yourself? Did they help when you were sick, or were they disgusted and angry by you inconveniencing them? Did they really believe in you and encourage you to go after your dreams, or just expect you to boost their self-esteem and cater to their dreams?

8-What Would you Say to a Friend or Close Family Member if Someone Was Doing These Things to Them- Imagine a friend telling you the stories you carry in your head and heart…would you be okay with it and say well, “maybe you should be more understanding and give them another chance”- NO!! You would say cut them out of your life and do it now. Picture yourself as someone you love and care about. Picture wanting to protect that inner child in you that has endured crazy abuse from a person that is supposed to love them.

9-Think of What Your Kids are Seeing as Their Example of Adult Role Models- If you stay or get back together, do you want your kids to think this is how a man behaves as a human? Do you want this to be your example of how a man treats a woman? Do you want your kid to see you hurt day in and day out? Do you want your kid to see the worst side of you as you become toxic fighting back with your toxic partner?….No. You are doing the right thing by having boundaries and removing your abuser from your life.

10-Picture Dying and Your Life Story- This may be necessary for your own personal wake up call to remember you only have one life- how would you like your life story to be…  As hard as it is to keep our finite existence in mind from day to day, time can’t be turned back. The time spent in an abusive situation is time you can never get back. The years of giving, trying, crying, hoping, praying, waiting, fighting to defend yourself and desperate for a change can turns into years of life lost. Don’t let the abuser take ANYTHING more from you. You deserve peace. You deserve support. You deserve to wake up and not be living in fear. You deserve respect. You deserve kindness.  You deserve honesty. You deserve understanding and compassion like you give to others. You deserve to be treated with basic human decency. You deserve to laugh. You deserve to feel valued. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve love. You deserve your life back.