How Not To Be A Monster Mother-In-Law -

How Not To Be A Monster Mother-In- Law

I have already prepared myself for my son flying from the nest and finding a partner in life. After being on the other end of things dealing with the mothers of men I dated, I know first hand how much that relationship can influence your romantic relationships. One, from how the man treats you. Second, his ability to handle to his emotions and life (coping skills). Third, the place you are allowed in their family unit and how he allows his mother to treat you and himself- boundaries, independence, respect, time, affection, enmeshment, and their emotionally availability. The mother that refuses to let go of her son as nature and God intended is treating her child as an object she owns not giving him the emotional and physical space to forge his own path in life independent from her.

A mother must cut the apron strings for an adult man to bond with his partner. This creates space for him to support, encourage and for him to enter in adulthood for himself, as someone’s partner, husband and perhaps, as a father to a child. Holding on tight like many mothers do to fulfill her own emotional needs, is causing great harm to a child she loves. It is the ultimate form of of selfishness as a mother which neither mother nor son are often able to recognize. A man in a childlike emotional state can’t fully enter his manhood and be a true partner to another woman or father to his own kids.

I am writing about this from point of view of women with their male partners coping with the Mother in Law dynamic. Much of it can also be applied to other in law situations or same sex couples, but this is from my personal life experiences and situations I have dealt with first hand, and from what my friends have been through.

Above all else- accept children must cut the apron strings- Leave and Cleave & Fly From the Nest…just like nature intended. Our roles as mothers is to love, guide, teach and set a good example with the hope your child becomes an independent, happy and healthy adult functioning on his own. Once a child is born, their life and body belongs to them with their mother as their provider and role model. A child is not an object to be controlled as if they are owned by their mother. A child’s role gradually changes from a child that follow your rules and is with you most of the time, to an adult that has their own life separate from you where they make their own choices. It will then evolve into the role of partner to another person, and possibly a father themselves. An enmeshed mother and son dynamic can be destructive, when a man cannot become a man and make this transition if he is still infantilized and kept in his child role expected to cater to and obey his mom above all else. It is not okay to block sons from starting their own lives and relationships separate from a mom’s control and watchful eye without fear of “disappointing” her, and guilt trips to get her way. Just like the mom was likely allowed your freedom to grow up, make her own choices, move from home, work towards goals, find a partner of her choosing, a son should be encouraged to do the same.
Don’t treat your sons like your boyfriend- Holding hands, calling your son “sexy”, cuddling, snuggling on couch with him while his partner is pushed aside would be regarded as red flags of crossing boundaries for most people (this all happened with my ex). My ex seemed to prefer cuddling with his mom over sex with me because they would stay up cuddling, and he would refuse to come to bed with me. First, your adult son is not a child and commenting on his body parts, muscles, looking hot or whatever lover type terminology is used, is a mother acting like the girlfriend. Trying to press up against your son and grabbing onto your son as a girlfriend would is crossing a boundary into creepyville. You can snuggle up with your toddler, you should not be trying to snuggle and press your body up against your 30 year old son while his partner is pushed aside. You should not be riding in a car or walking along holding your adult sons hand while his partner is just there on the other side. Think about it- would you want your husband in the middle with you on one side, but with his hands intertwined with his adult 30 year old daughters (not yours)…., so why would you be doing that to your son…You are not your son’s girlfriend or wife, and he is not a child. If you find yourself competing with and getting jealous over your son’s girlfriend or wife, you have a problem. If you are single, then your son is not there to be your replacement husband or companion. It is wildly inappropriate and frankly, you should seek counseling or a pastor if you find yourself doing these things. When I was pregnant, we were visiting my ex’s mom & her husband, and we went to a cute local gift store in town. My ex found a $20 necklace with an engraved “B” which was the first initial of our newborn and he wanted to buy it for me (a rare show of kindness). His mom got all upset and couldn’t handle him picking something out for me- saying “if she gets a necklace, I should be getting one too” , threw a fit and it turned into a scene. I could not believe she was so jealous, controlling and needy that she could not stand to see her son get me a $20 necklace as a symbol for our baby. She would not stand having me as a woman in his life and wanted both her son and her grandson (my child) all to herself as if my purpose was simply to create a baby then get out of the way.
Don’t comment on your daughter in laws looks or parenting skills– It is amazing how basic common courtesy and respect seem to be so quickly forgotten in these relationships. Just like you wouldn’t say these things to a co worker or a friend, it is not okay to make passive aggressive comments about weight, looks, or parenting skills to your DIL. My favorite is- “you look so tired, are you eating in this house or are you letting my son and grandson go hungry?”
Don’t takeover cooking, clean, rearrange DIL’s home without asking– Unless asked, your daughter-in-law, may not want to do it your way or hear what she didn’t cook or clean correctly. The first time I met my ex’s mother, when visiting I offered to make a dish (family recipe), and she had to criticize me and control what I was doing. In my home after I had her grandson, she took it upon herself to start rearranging things because she didn’t like how I had it. Or another time my ex and I were cooking salmon, and she had to win over the exact amount of time it had to be cooked. I couldn’t imagine going into her home and moving things around or telling her how long to cook something. I am an adult and expect to be treated like one.
Don’t gossip behind their backs and say things you would not say to their face- pretty simple concept as a decent human being
Don’t get involved with their disagreements, sex life or financial choices- If your child comes to you with these issues it will inevitably lead to taking sides and disclosure of very personal information. Send your sons to discuss things with their partner, therapist or close friend. Some things once shared, can never be taken back
Do not think no one is good enough for your son- this “golden child”/ my child is perfect mindset is unhealthy and frankly delusional. It means you are an enabler of negative and toxic behavior
If you do become aware of a major issue, do not overlook it, live in denial and play role of enabler- if your child is clearly doing something terribly wrong (that hopefully you raised them not to do)- lie to spouse, cheat, become threatening, violent, emotionally abusive, disappears, not providing for their children, don’t just say “oh that is okay honey” or let them use your place as a getaway to avoid facing their partner. Your child is an adult, but an enabling parent standing by making excuses for bad behavior could be why your adult son would be okay with something like lying and cheating on their partner
Have a life beyond your kids
Do not unload on your children, cry and play the victim when something does not go your way. Your child is not your therapist and does not need guilt trips. You are supposed to be a source of strength and leadership, not acting like a child to your child and making them feel bad for leading their own lives apart from your control
Be sure your child is not acting as your confidante, repair person, replacement partner, and not okay to expect them to come running and catering to your every demand.
Reverse roles and think if you wouldn’t want a mother in law doing these things to you and your spouse, should you be doing these things to your own child and their spouse? Would you want a woman coming into your home and telling you what you to do, what you are doing wrong, and telling your husband what to do? Would you want another woman calling your husband daily and weekly asking him for help and to come over? Probably not. Your son is now a husband and father, not your little boy to boss around
Don’t demand daily or weekly contact then throw a fit and guilt trip your child. Most couples’ mornings are consumed by juggling getting their kids ready and getting ready themselves, rushing off to work, sitting in traffic, fighting traffic to get their kids, rushing to get dinner made, get their kids fed, cleaned up, do homework with kids, admin from work, pay bills, fighting to squeeze in a workout and barely have time to connect with their partner much less chat with mom every day (because she has no other hobbies, interests, friends or partner and life revolves solely around her kids.)
Don’t show up unannounced– then expect your DIL to drop everything and begin catering to your needs.
Encourage support independence and don’t block your child’s chance at finding love for themselves. If you end up alone, divorced or single, realize you should be encouraging your child if they have not already, to find love. Don’t let your failed relationships and negativity carry over to blocking love from your kids’ lives. Love is everything and the love between parent and child is not the same as between a man/woman and their partner. There is room and need for both. Every mom should realize she won’t be around forever, and one of the best gifts she can give her child is supporting their search for a healthy stable life filled with the love of a partner.