How is that smart, independent, successful, strong women get caught up in toxic abusive relationships….it doesn’t make sense if you come from a rational and detached point of view. If a woman has so much going for her, of course she wouldn’t be with an abuser. If a woman is intelligent and educated, of course she would notice the red flags and move on. If a woman is strong and successful, of course, she would be able to end the relationship.

What is not apparent to others is that the narcissist and abusers are masters at manipulation. How do they do it?...they use excuses you can’t argue with playing on your empathy, kindness and belief in the goodness of others. They use excuses to put themselves in the victim role and any one who challenges them becomes the aggressor. They reverse roles so that if you question their excuses, you become controlling, demanding, jealous, insecure, crazy and a bully in the situation.

Abusers use excuses to gain sympathy and empathy so they aren’t questioned; as a result, their true nature and actions remain masked.

What Excuses Could You Hear?…

My cell phone screen broke and I can’t see names or numbers

I forgot to hit send

I got so busy at work, I couldn’t think to respond back (for weeks)

I don’t know why, but my messages didn’t all go out, POS cell company…

This cell broke and I had to get a new one

I thought I responded, shoot, I am sorry

My friend needs me to help with…

My boss needs me to go out to this work thing

It’s guys only…. you don’t want me to have my guy time?! (later you find other peoples wives or girlfriends were there and single women)

My friend is sick and really needs me to…

My friend is going through a rough time and needs…

My mom/dad needs this fixed and I need to go…

I lost all my contacts

I just went dark on the world for a bit, it’s not you, I promise!

I don’t have the best coping skills and know I need to work on it

I ended up having to do to the doctors, I think I have an ulcer

You wouldn’t understand the pain I am in, and I had to get medicine…

I am dealing with my anxiety, depression

My friend passed away

My friends family got sick and needs me…

I think there is something really wrong with me, I may have to get a spinal tap, or heart test, or MRI (then you see a social media post with them laughing and at a party)

I just need some space and alone time (but then go out with Michelle from work)

I am too tired to do anything… (then perk up when someone calls and makes plans with them)

The list goes on and on….

At first, the reasons for not responding, not following through, acting distant, etc. seem believable. They are possible, but it takes time to see a consistent pattern. This is where the mind games start because if you trust them (and don’t know what they are really doing on their “guys night” for example, the excuses can be believed for years). How do you argue with someone about their health, needing space, help or feeling overwhelmed by life- you can’t. A decent person assumes it is true because if you were saying it, it would be true! If you were sick, it would mean you are truly sick and not going out with Joe behind your partner’s back.

The reason behind it all is the Narcissist abuser wants to use you to feel good about themselves and avoid feeling lonely and unwanted. Imagine how much easier it is to hunt for your next best thing while you have someone who already loves you as back up…

The Narcissist abuser lives by their own set of rules and will use any excuse in the book to keep you strung along until they find someone else.