If you aren’t getting punched, knocked down, kicked, bruised or cut, are you in an an abusive relationship…. Society has defined abuse as a hospital record, a police report, an injured body and expecting photos to prove it. If you don’t have that, then what proof do you have is asked? Show me. What did you say to make him mad? Why did you pick an abuser? If it is so bad, why did you get in a relationship?

What has been missed is the slow insidious nature of abusive manipulators who don’t show who they really are until months later, years in, after living together, married or with kids. What we don’t see is the abuse towards a person’s mind, heart and soul. We must ask- what about scars on the inside no one can see?

Here is how you will begin to feel:

Boring

Annoying

Unattractive

Not interesting enough

Inadequate

Unworthy

Unlovable

Insecure

Unable to focus

Unable to eat or eating too much

Unable to sleep

Fatigued

Uneasy and distracted

Difficulty relaxing

No desire to socialize

Feel like you have nothing good to say, but don’t want to complain

Angry

Anxious

Fearful

Feel the need to fix all these new “flaws” about yourself

Detached

On guard

Short tempered

Sick to your stomach

Unloved

Unsupported

Insignificant

Not good enough….

What I’ve learned is the abuser is feeling all of these things. Instead of dealing with their own issues, internal demons, childhood trauma, family issues, work stress, lack of purpose, lack of meaning, lack of effort in life, they direct their self esteem issues and pain into whoever is closest to them- you.

They want to make you feel all their feelings to off load the pressure inside of them. They want to replace their pain with your love and joy. It is an exchange of energy. They take your good energy and offload their bad energy sucking the life out of you. When in return you finally give back what they gave you- anger, doubt, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, suspicions, jealousy, etc., they can’t stand it. They hate how you are acting and who you are (a person reacting to abuse trying to defend yourself). Suddenly you are toxic and they are done with you. They need to find a new fresh victim to suck the joy and life out of until this person has absorbed too much of their pain and negativity. They begin to despise this person, they fight and the cycle repeats.

You fight to get back the person you were before being put through so much toxic sh*t. You fight to get back the person you thought they were when you met. You exhaust yourself with a battle that seems to have no start or end, or real meaning other than inflicting pain. This is what psychological abuse is and the wounds are there, even if they can’t been seen.