I am going to do something I never thought I would…share my most personal feelings and thoughts from my journals in the middle of a psychologically abusive relationship. When I wrote these things it was to try and get it out of my head and soul. I wrote to try and make sense of what was happening because the pain and problems just kept coming. We had a child, a home and I had no family to turn to given my childhood and family history. I was never more isolated emotionally and physically, with often only a pen and paper to turn to. I wrote things to myself and to him, not knowing what I was dealing with at the time. I believed it was immaturity, money stressors, new job stressors, or having a new child stressors. If you find yourself saying, thinking or writing things like this, then chances are that “jerk”, is an abusive narcissist who will not work to with you to make things better.

I want others to recognize themselves in these words, and know they are not alone and what they feel is valid.

Here it goes….

I have reached my limit with you and with us, and this constant battling over nothing.

I can’t live in a sexless marriage.

I can’t live with someone who doesn’t want to touch me or me to touch him.

I can’t live with someone who I can’t have a conversation with beyond work and household to do lists.

I can’t live with someone who shows little to zero interest in my needs, wants and getting to know me.

I can’t live with someone who does not care about my feelings.

I can’t live life feeling like the joy and fun is being out sucked out of life and me.

I can’t live with someone who treats his co-workers with more respect than he treats me, and who cares more about their needs than he does mine or our sons.

I can’t live with someone who gets angry I inconvenienced him by getting sick or calls me disgusting.

I can’t live giving my time, effort, interest, attention to someone who refuses to give it back to me.

I can’t live with someone constantly calling me out on my “flaws” and every imperfection using it as a weapon to wear away at my confidence, then laughing at me if I cry about it.

I can’t live with someone who makes me look bad in front of his friends and openly calls me “psycho” in public to other people as he tries to mock me and tear me down (when I was getting upset over normal things like getting ghosted, ignored, neglected, put down day after day).

I can’t live with someone who seeks to put me down and make me look bad sharing our personal problems with anyone we meet making it impossible to have a social life together.

If that is love, I don’t want it.

I have asked for counseling, and you refuse. You have made it abundantly clear you don’t love me and are doing the bare minimum to keep me strung along while you figure out your financial situation. I have done everything I can to bend over backwards for you and your needs, yet it is never enough and there is never peace. I feel like my life is being sucked out of me as years go by.

I simply can not and will not be treated this way any longer.