I often wondered this myself as I took on more and more in our relationship and home life hoping it would keep my son and I protected from the narc’s wrath. I have learned A LOT since then and am still learning, but I could not understand that I was acting out a form of people pleasing putting the needs of my narc way above my own needs. In fact, I was so out of touch with myself I wasn’t even sure what I needed. Did I want space, did I want more closeness, did I want to stay, did I want to leave….well, I didn’t know because the moods of the narc become so scary and unpredictable, life becomes about survival and self-protection. The constant chaos and hot and cold feelings of the narc will leave your mind, body and soul completely unbalanced.

My identity became lost in the relationship as I fought to make things work with a human that was contributing next to nothing (unless you count the handful of days per month they were not lying, raging, cheating, attacking, bullying, taunting, not mocking, mimicking, threatening or ghosting you….)

You start doing more and working harder for love feeling like you are not enough for the narc,, and are failing as a human when you endure the daily barrage of put downs and criticisms. They project their self esteem issues, bitterness, ego disturbances and disgust with themselves and life onto you, so you also lose part of yourself as you do more to keep get things back how they were at the beginning. You absorb a greater responsibility to keep the relationship going while they have relieved their inner turmoil by taking it out onto you. The narc will start fights giving themselves permission to check out, go MIA, not come to help with kids and the home, to vent to a co-worker, to trash you to friends, family, or to lean on the shoulders of an old dating partner.

Do the narcs think they are the problem and maybe they should try harder by not raging at you, not constantly complaining and seeking out reasons to be miserable, not having emotional affairs, not choosing porn and exes over you, not spending money on themselves first before bills are paid, not use silent treatments and ghosting as a “problem solving” technique, not addressing their own mental issues, but projecting them onto you…NO! YOU are the problem because you don’t do enough, understand them enough, compliment enough, give enough space but also give enough closeness, encourage them and stand by as they run wild with the mental fortitude of a 6 year old.

You expect them to work, to help with bills, to care about their own kids, to be loyal, faithful, supportive and kind, how dare you!!!

Here is what happens:

Narcs need constant attention and tending to just like a child. They are unpredictable and precocious- at times fun and entertaining, but just as quickly pouty and angry. They are emotionally unstable with no coping skills for life when things don’t go exactly their way (which is often a mystery as to what “their way” is supposed to be). One moment they will love you, and the next hate you, creating an all good or all bad dynamic in your relationship. Imagine trying to have a stable relationship with a 6 year old in an adult’s body….do you think they would understand how to handle a healthy relationship and pull their weight?

Some kids naturally show empathy, but with me centric thinking, empathy also has to be modeled and taught to them. The narcs are void of this empathy, therefore they struggle to give of themselves in a relationship. Much of the time kids are about their needs, their wants and their feelings in the moment until they become more self aware of other’s feelings, wants and needs as they grow up. They want to have fun, play, and do what they want when they want. This energy can be great fun and the “6 year old” narc can be fun when they are feeling happy. The empathy lacking narc likes the fun times with you, the energy you give back, the attention you give, the favors you provide, the support you give, the access to money or stability, but you can’t count on them to give anything back (beyond their initial love bombing stage).

Instead of the narc realizing you worked through lunches to save money for the family while they went out, you worked late at night and on weekends to help support the family while they chilled out, you bought stuff for your home and paid necessary bills instead of buying things for yourself, you got up in the night for your sick child while they slept, you got up early to make breakfast for everyone while they rested, you got your child ready for school while they got themselves ready, you said no to the single co workers asking you out for drinks while they said yes, you made it clear you were taken while they acted single, you made dinner while they didn’t come home, you cleaned the home while they sat there, you did all the laundry and dishes while they complained about being tired, you put your kid to bed while they looked at porn, you read and played with your kid on weekends while they went MIA doing “errands”, you bought everything your kid needs while they bought ANOTHER watch, you shared where you were while they called you “controlling” for asking, you answered their phone calls and messages while they ignored yours….

The narc doesn’t feel like they are dead weight and need to do more, no! It is like you are wrestling with a greased pig with the emotions of a 6 year old. They are always wriggling out of their responsibilities and your emotional connection.

They know what to say and do to get you attached (the mask they can wear temporarily), and how to use sex and affection to connect with you, but it is all forced and fake. Underneath it all, they are doing it to get something, not because they love you. The result is you trying to carry the responsibility of two people in a relationship as you awaken to the fact they are gaslighting you, cheating, lying, not showing up, going silent, throwing fits, and taking you for granted. You question your own self worth as you feel frustrated, unsettled, anxious, fearful, sad, angry, rejected and begin to question your own standards, actions and sanity as you navigate the narc minefield. The narcs high and lows will be something they blame YOU for, not themselves as the only true “dead weight” in the relationship.