“You’re so dramatic”

“You’re overreacting. Calm down. It’s not a big deal”

“You’re so difficult”

“You’re so jealous and insecure”

“You’re so controlling”

“You’re so overbearing and aggressive”

“You’re crazy”

“You need help”

All the things you hear when you try to share your feelings and question how you have been treated in your relationship. You let things go, thinking it was just a fluke and instead, focus on questioning your thoughts and feelings. You want to believe in the best in others and want to avoid conflict (preferring to let things go as you hope for the best). The problem is as you let things go, the bad mood/broken phone/work stress excuses your partner has used become flimsy, and their behavior becomes a pattern.

“Am I getting treated badly or am I overreacting…Yes, this is bad, but he did say he was under a lot of pressure at work.” “Maybe that cold messed up his memory and mood, and that is why he no showed for my birthday.” “If only I hadn’t pressured him so much, he would’ve been happier about coming.” “Why did I snap at him this morning when he wouldn’t help me. I have to do better”…are some of the thoughts running through your mind.

How is it you could be all these things when you know in your heart that isn’t who you are. You’ve never been called those things before. However, you never did some of the things you are doing now in this relationship, so maybe you are those things.

No, you have a right to be upset. You know you aren’t treating your partner poorly and would never do the things to them, that they are doing to you. Why are you mad….because you want respect, basic human decency, honesty, help, loyalty, communication and for them to be a real partner. In response to wanting what anyone would want, you get called names and shamed into backing down.

What is real and what isn’t…

Here was my truth-

He was living a double life. What I didn’t know (because I was so busy working a demanding full time job, handling all the cooking, all the laundry, all the household responsibilities, all parenting tasks), was that he had been building a life totally separate from myself and our son. The separate life was not about maintaining a sense of self, individuality and sanity outside of being a new parent, with a job and partner…no, it was about living life as a single man working to find a new partner while reaping the benefits of a partner handling everything at home.

He was a family man when convenient, but only in image and title. He played with our son for about 5 minutes, snapped a photo to send to family, friends and to post online. He made sure to keep me out of photos as he had to maintain the “we aren’t together, just living together” , but I am still fighting to make it work storyline. He was the victim of a horrible partner (me) and suffering from severe anxiety from the stress of me doing everything for him and our son.

He came and went as he pleased, disappearing every day, ignoring messages, disappearing nights, shutting off his cell that broke weekly, and behaving like a rebellious teenager. He shared how horrible I was and our problems to anyone who would listen including “helpful” female coworkers ready to lend a comforting ear or kiss. He made sure to trash me to family and make it as uncomfortable as possible, then blame me for not being more welcoming and happy with his bullying, backstabbing family.

He was skilled at weaving the story of the loyal man giving it his all, who was met with anger and rejection from his jealous, controlling partner demanding he come home to help (making it impossible for him to have a life). He used sex as a tool for punishment withholding it from me along with hugs, kisses, and affection of any kind. He ignored me at home and instead used his time for porn, secret “important” work online and talking to everyone possible except me or our child. He refused to go out on dates- treating me as a roommate /servant. Yet, he never failed to be at happy hour and dinner “work events”, or be out if a friend called on him.

He walked away as I spoke, literally turning his back and leaving the room, yawning or refusing to look up from a screen. He made fun of my pain, and any issue or challenge I had was a burden. My feelings and needs were of no importance. My whole being was supposed to exist and operate as a vessel for soothing him and taking care of him, no different than a support doll/robot.

The cheater makes a new standard of not showing up for you emotionally, physically or mentally, and anytime you attempt to discuss it, will tear into you or disappear leaving nothing resolved.

Here is what I came to realize- how many “I’m sorry” stories or verbal attacks was I going to endure without any changed behavior? Maybe I am overreacting, but maybe he is an abusive ahole, master of fake promises, fake apologies and endless manipulation. Perhaps I will never understand it all or know what was real, but I can decide enough is enough. I hope you decide enough is enough for you too.