Having a healthy loving relationship with a partner is something most of us want in life. To find “your” person is one of the ultimate markers of happiness and success. It is not to say you can’t be happy alone, in fact, you must happy alone and responsible for your own happiness in order to enter into a stable relationship as a healthy individual, but finding connection and love is everything in life.
When you strip away fleeting youth, material objects, and money, one of the most important aspects of love is the love and intimacy you share with a partner (not your parent or child; kids/parents can NOT replace the love, companionship and intimacy of a partner). What matters for so many of us is finding the one person you can talk about anything with, who understands you, who accepts you for who you are including your flaws and quirks, who you can have fun doing anything with, who shares the same sense of humor, who you are attracted to physically and mentally, who treats you with kindness and respect, who would be a good parent, who would be a great person to tackles problems in life with together, and who you could grow old with- THAT would be huge win. Well….with a narc, you feel like you have this person, until, well, you don’t! This is why so many of us wonder where that person went that we fell for and if they will come back.
We think if we just try a little harder to not upset them with too many questions, never get upset, watch our tone at all times, never get emotional, never ask for too much, never question where they are when they don’t come home or ignore your calls, never have any needs of your own, never express any feelings aside from telling them how great they are or just nodding in agreement stuffing down our own thoughts and ideas that maybe things will work this time…just maybe. THEY WON’T! As I was writing this, I came across an anonymous answer to this question online and I will write most of what this person shared along with some of my own additions:
ANSWER: No, it is NOT possible to have a healthy relationship. You can try to appease them, provide what they need, take on all the housework and childrearing, work full time, put them first, take care of them when sick, listen to all their problems, be beautiful and fit, look past their cheating, lies, and disappearing, look past their laziness and excuses as you work more and more, ignore their criticizing and condescending remarks, provide constant compliments, adoration, validation, and essentially do anything it takes to keep them in a “good” mood. However, you will slowly erase your own identity and needs, then slowly DIE and deteriorate on the inside. You will develop health issues causing great stress and pain to you that will affect your job, social life, finances and children when you can’t do things,
You will not be able to focus or concentrate on daily tasks, your job, or your goals as all life will be about avoiding the wrath of your narc and trying to keep the peace. You will become easily angered and irritated. You will either lose weight or gain ( I got down to 100 pounds and would have gone further had I not forced myself to eat for the sake of my son). You will begin to see yourself aging at a rapid rate with the stress, lack of sleep and constant turmoil in your home. You will lose yourself, your purpose, your self worth, your confidence, your drive, your aspirations, your dreams and you will be in survival mode, and hoping to get “your” person back.
You will become a vessel whose sole purpose is to benefit and supply a narcissist and typically his narc family with whatever their need or desire is for that day. You will give love, nurture, be loyal, put yourself last, comfort, build up, validate, compliment, apologize and give, give, give while they continue to mock you, abandon you, rage at you and take, take, take. You will NEVER receive real love, support or loyalty back. There will be be nothing fulfilling, secure, satisfying, stable, supportive, uplifting, or healthy in any way. Any act of kindness from the narc will likely last no longer than a week, and be part of a fake act to manipulate your feelings while they plot their next move (like moving out suddenly with no notice which happened to me twice). It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist because it is NOT HEALTHY to be ENTANGLED with a person who lacks empathy and the ability to care about others needs and feelings. Narcissist are soul sucking vampires that will drain the love, resources and kindness from a person then toss them aside like an old toy while they go after a new shiny toy at work that comes their way. They have NO LOYALTY.
They have severe EGO ISSUES where every single thing offends them to the point you are not able to express a single thought or need without fear of upsetting them. They bring negativity, and cause severe pain and confusion. They do NOT COMMUNICATE and will punish you will silent treatments and ghosting, then blame their lack of human decency on you for daring to upset them somehow. They expect you to read their minds and if you don’t, suddenly you are a terrible person. They have no object constancy- one day you are everything to them, the next day, they hate you and want you out of their lives.
They are not able to resolve issues calmly, but will behave like ENRAGED TODDLERS or run away when things do not go their way. They do not attach or bond to you like normal partners, never feel fully committed or connected. Often they have ENMESHED parents who control and criticize them, while also spoil and enable them keeping them in this childlike emotional state of dependence. Guess who is their target for their misdirected anger- YOU, their partner! You will fighting to get some level of stability and normalcy in your life as you become their punching bag.
You will have this constant feeling of uneasiness and unsettledness like they are about to explode on you or run away- something is ALWAYS WRONG, but yet, nothing is wrong. It is an endless cycle of psychological torture that often goes unnoticed by outsiders since so much happens behind closed doors (when their mask comes off). They will try to take your money, your security, steal from your savings for your kids, force you out of your home out of spite, not provide for their kids, sell your belongings, trash you behind your back and more in order to cover up THEIR abuse. Their abuse will make tiny tears at your heart and soul with their never ending punishments for you not meeting their every demand. It is legitimate insanity and no matter what you do, it will fail because you can’t fix another person’s disordered mind that regards you as their enemy vs partner.