Can a Narc act like they are in love and convince themselves they are?
YES!!! Yes!! Yes! But like the weather, the conditions of narc love will be short lived.
First, when narcs seem like they are so in enamored by you, it is often part of their “love bombing”. I never knew what this was until I met my narc ex in 2011. The narc will shower you with attention, affection, compliments and present themselves as your soul mate before learning much about you. Although they seem to be listening to things you say and seem to be taking a sincere interest in you, it is really a way to mirror you and fake that you both share a real connection. They seem to want a real relationship vs. playing around like FBoy/Player types (who often make it very clear from day 1 they are down to get down with everything with a vagina) …. The narc will show up as the partner who truly wants to commit, build a future, move in together or perhaps get married (future faking)! They seem devoted, respectable, sincere, well mannered, well spoken, generous and more. You will be led to believe or perhaps told that you are the person they have been searching for their entire life. Wow, can this finally be the person you have been hoping to meet your whole life!?
You will likely be feeling a real connection paired with something feeling not quite right, but you won’t be sure what it is (could be an icky, weird gut feeling to run, but you don’t know why). Why this weird feeling of something being off…because narcs often show this desire to be with you and start planning for your future together BEFORE truly getting to know you. Yes, they show interest and shower you with attention, but it feels more like they are evaluating you and treating you like an object vs. a real human being with flaws and needs.
SIDE NOTE: Example of what love bombing is NOT- I made a new guy friend who came on very strong after first meeting me, which was suffocating and overwhelming to me as someone not used to receiving secure love/with secure attachment style. At first glance, it could be like “love bombing”- lots of notes, flowers, cards saying I love you as a friend…The difference was he actually wanted to get to know me and did care about me beyond my looks, or what he would be getting from me (money, sex, attention). He was truly there for me in a real way for years and it never changed. He cared about my history, childhood, dreams, goals, pain, problems and it was NOT to throw it in my face later and use to insult me. He never judged me or made me feel less than. He never made me feel like I had to prove myself or earn his kindness/time/attention. He was never hot and cold. He showed up in my life consistently and it was not to get something out of me to soothe his childhood wounds, make him look good, boost his ego…it was because he VALUED me as a person and woman. I never felt like a disposable object. I never saw him change who he was or behave like Dr. Jekyll, Mr.Hyde. I was never hidden from his friends, family or social media. I was never ghosted, ignored or called names…. I never felt like something was off in him.
With the narc’s seemingly endless devotion and attraction to you, this “something is off” feeling will be pushed down as you tell yourself you are wrong/being too picky/not allowing yourself to accept real love. The narcs lust/obsession masked as true connection will have you convinced, they truly care for you and love you.
Is it an act or is it real? I say both. It is an act in the sense that they don’t truly feel love which requires empathy, forgiveness, loyalty, true commitment, sincere interest, effort, giving, support and self-awareness. It also requires leaving and cleaving parents and moving past their childhood roles in order to bond with another person as an adult.
It is real in the sense that while they are doing their early love bombing, they have convinced themselves you will make them happy (fix the rot inside of them), and you can make them feel whole inside! They use others to soothe their wounds and regulate their self-esteem by getting their self-esteem boost from those around them (parasitic). At first, you are a great addition to their life and how they envisioned it. However, this is the version of you that has no flaws, no past, no illness, no feelings, no needs, agrees with them, is never tired, never stressed, never grumpy, looks perfect, and are simply there to support their wants, needs, desires, moods, ego, finances, sex life, and their overwhelming sense of entitlement.
When you think of real love, ask yourself this…. Does love mean being abusive to your loved ones over and over? If you define love in that way, yes, they truly love you and are truly devoted to fighting, shaming, blaming, and raging at you. Their kindness is conditional based on your role in their life and what you do for them.
After this “first act”, it will be such a shock when the devaluation begins. If it was in fact real love and connection, the feelings towards you would remain stable despite someone’s mood, job change, getting sick, small fights etc. Once something does not go the way the narc wants- like they have a hard day and you don’t accurately predict how to handle the situation (a.k.a. be a mind reader), their love act (mask) will come flying off in a scary way.
One day you are the most attractive, kind, sexy, funny, smart, interesting, respectable, admirable, loyal, wonderful partner to the narcissist, the next, you are suddenly shit garbage to them. You could wake up and inexplicably in the span of a single night find that they you are disgusting and revolting to them- is that love…
They start to find every “flaw” they possibly can and treat you with contempt, resentment, and scorn. They will pick you apart with comments like your eyebrows are uneven, too big, too small, I don’t like the sound of your voice, your hair looks so bad, why can’t it be more like hers…. You are so controlling, bossy, aggressive for you simply asking for help or wanting to be treated with BASIC HUMAN DECENDY. It will be- my ex never did this x,y,z thing like you do…. It could be- wish I was with someone that had an easier job so I didn’t have to hear about your job crap although you are their shoulder to cry on EVERY SINGLE DAY… it will be- I wish I was with someone who had more money. You anger the narc if you get sick. Your body is now disgusting- boobs too small, butt not the right shape, your arm jiggles, why do you have that mole…. They may say- I don’t like your smell and I hate that lotion you wear, the deodorant, that face cream… I don’t like that color on you…. You are dumb… You are selfish…. You don’t do enough, or you do too much…They will say- You don’t understand me like x,y,z at work or my ex does…
You may feel them staring at you and studying you as if you are not a real human to them, but some sort of problem or experiment they have going on. Everything you do and say is wrong (hence the walking on eggshells appears and becomes the new norm). They have never wanted to get away from or punch someone in the face as much as they do with you now.
Their feelings of love are most often fleeting, especially when they think they can do better. If your status level or health dropped and they have other options from online, their past or work, you may be abandoned like you were nothing more than a shirt they once liked to wear. No matter how much you gave, did or committed yourself to them and showed them love, they will grow bored and dissatisfied. Think of it like a child getting a toy they grow weary of and now wants a new one.
No matter how convinced you were of their love, it comes with an expiation date and tons of conditions. When that day comes, you will not know what hit you. When the mask fully comes off, they would have already been plotting their exit plan and pretending to love you while they leeched off your energy, time, finances and sexual resources.
Narcissists have no real empathy and are emotionally calloused beyond belief and understanding. They feel no remorse for using you or lying to you to get what they want in order for them to feel supported and loved by another human being. They had no real intention of fully committing to you for life. In fact, you are the pathetic loser for not seeing through them sooner. At this point they likely have convinced you that you deserved what they did, and it was mainly your fault. They tell themselves they really did love you, but YOU destroyed their love. They convince themselves your behavior ruined it and then tell the world how terrible you are.
They turn their feelings on and off like a light switch. They will caste you away with no remorse because you either got what you deserved or were stupid/naïve for believing in the relationship and caring about them. There is a total disconnect from how their behavior affects others and consequences to their actions.
This is love for a narc