We all wonder – “what’s the secret?”, when we see glowing couples posting their recent best vacation trip ever picture. “Why can’t that be me”… You also see celebrities seemingly living the dream life with extreme wealth, freedom to control their days, beauty, travel and opportunities to meet more successful people than most of us, yet still end up divorced, broken up, brokenhearted and depressed.

After escaping the worst relationship of my life, one thing of many things learned, is that you can’t love someone enough to get them to treat you better. You can’t be good enough, as you work to prove your goodness, to get them to treat you better. You can’t control someone else and the choices they make regardless of how much you bend, ask, plead, help, forgive, give and do. It takes an active decision from two people to do these two things:

1- Commitment

2- Be on the Same Team

It is Commitment to be in, all the way in. It is not let me try for a bit this week, check out for the next month, then wonder why things are disconnected and failing. It is not giving your partner generic “how was your day?” questions while also scrolling on your phone and walking out of the room as they speak. It is not investing your time and energy in everyone who “needs” it at work while giving your partner nothing more than a warm body to sleep next to at night.

It is not lying to yourself that you are giving it your all when you spend most of your energy at work, go out with friends, talk to your family, scroll on your phone and expect your partner to just be there as you ignore them day in and out. It is not turning to your parents, exes and co workers complaining about your relationships issues instead of turning to your partner, therapist or pastor. It is focusing on the good instead of blowing up the negative. It is not lamenting over their flaws while taking the positives for granted. It choosing to show up in the relationship and not keep your options open with one foot out the door.

It is Being on the Same Team and remembering to fight fair with love. It remembering you chose this person and this relationship, no one forced you. If you choose a person and they choose you, then you treat them with love and respect, not like your opponent.

Once you have mastered these two decisions – to give it your all, not 25%, not maybe, not one week in and the next out, and working together on the same side, you can focus on these important 5 Relationship Factors:

3- Money – budgets, retirement, financial goals, career goals, wants, needs, family planning,

4- Chores– laundry, meal planning, cooking, kitchen clean up, dishes, organizing, planning, school transportation, homework, teacher communications, doctor appointments, friend groups, events, sweeping, mopping, dusting, toilet cleaning, shower cleaning, trash, errands etc….and the list goes on and on. Some people believe a partner is a substitute for having a personal assistant, butler, cook, caretaker and house maid. Some have catered to and raised being waited on hand and foot, and simply never had to make an effort to

5- Sex- talking about wants, desires, drive and needs is a must. I firmly believe a physical connection helps with an emotional one and it can’t be neglected. A lack of sexual connection can turn a relationship into roommates who both feel neglected and lonely. It is important to consider- is it one sided with one person making most of the effort to please the other, is one person rejecting the other, is one person turning to porn or other people vs. their partner, is one person checked out and one person trying, is one person using it as a tool to control the relationship… A healthy sexual connection is a must and it must be discussed.

6- Time- how much time together, alone, with friends, family, date nights, with kids, working, etc. We all have different ideas of how a relationship should work and time is something none of us can manufacture to create more of. How you spend it can be a driving force behind relationship conflict or connection, and it must be talked about.

7- Communication– if you can resolve conflict without threats, yelling, name calling, silent treatments, spewing venom or threats to end the relationship, then your relationship stands a chance at surviving and thriving. It is amazing to me how cruel a person can be with their words to someone they claim to love. They freeze out their partner to avoid conflict, but leave the problem festering like an untreated wound. They explode when feelings need to be shared and become so defensive that they can’t hear what their partner is sharing and instead, become aggressive and violent.

Communication can make or break a relationship, but I have found when you are both committed and on the same side, you are likely to communicate much better.