Money-

Be sure to be open and honest about money so you are aware of the financial health of yourself and partner. Hopes and prayers will not work.  The last thing you want is to be married, then blindsided with someone who reveals horrible credit, debt, inability to save, manage money and refuses to stick to a financial plan. Discuss budgets, spending habits and retirement plans before getting married.

Talk about credit scores, debt and what is needed to maintain your household with expenses vs. income. Review the cost of having children and how that would work with your income, job and career path.  Do not wait until married with kids to come up with a financial plan.

Sex-

Discuss what you each like and want sexually.  Discuss what is comfortable and what is off the table. Discuss expectations now and over time (such as if you have kids). Discuss what puts you in the mood and what damages it.  Learn how each of you like to give love and receive love.

Be aware of any porn addictions and desire for that over real-life sexual activity with a partner. If you pretend things will just work themselves out, know that they won’t. Sickness, job changes, stress, kids, in laws, and more can affect your physical relationship.

The worst thing that can happen is withholding information from your partner and turning to someone else to vent or meet your needs. Remaining silent, becoming roommates and building resentment over time will only poison your life and relationship.  You only have one life and your sexual connection with your partner matters. First, you need to be clear on your own sexual needs before expecting your partner to understand what matters to you.

Chores-

If you assume things will automatically be split 50/50, think again, it isn’t possible as some chores and responsibilities are daily, some weekly, monthly or annually. Things come up and someone has to fill in. I assumed everything was my responsibility when my ex said he was tired and stressed.

Before I knew it, every single household chore, task and parenting task was on my plate, all in addition to a stressful full-time job.  When I asked for help, I was met with so much anger that I became afraid to ask for help. When I let things go to take a break, I was met with criticism, nothing done, and a child who needed these things covered.  I assumed my ex would help with things and my assumption was wrong.

There are men who assume a woman will want to work, split bills 50/50 (even if she makes less), then come home and be super mom, cook and cleaner while they unwind after work.  I have lived it and I have seen it. I was raised to think it was my job to keep going, do it all, be the caregiver, cleaner, cook and provider all while getting zero support or help from my partner.  

Items to consider- We live in a society where women are expected to take on the majority of the household  and child rearing responsibilities including: sweeping, mopping, toilets, showers, dusting, mirror cleaning, daily kitchen clean up, deep cleaning in kitchen and bathrooms, dishes, trash, meal planning, cooking, putting food away, sheet and towel washing, bed making, clothes sorting, washing, putting away, shopping, planning, researching, organizing, finding doctors, taking to doctors, adjusting work schedule, changing careers to manage childcare, communicating with teachers, finding childcare, getting up when kids are sick, staying home when kids are sick, social planning, and more. Write it all out and it will help shed light on what is needed from each of you.

You must discuss the time involved with chores, your schedules, needs and how it can work so you aren’t left playing parent to another adult.  Burnout may not hit you right away, but over time resentment builds when your role becomes serving someone as they do whatever they want.

Time-

Time became a major source of stress and conflict with my ex.  In my past relationships, we naturally spent our weekends together and gave each other more space in the work week.  I was included in family get togethers, but their families didn’t force themselves into our dates, time together, text/call constantly or demand we cater to their schedule. I was included with their friend meet ups and vice versa without feeling like either was getting excluded.

When I met my ex, suddenly time was a huge issue.  I expected us to get together on weekends or at least not be waiting and wondering if we would be seeing each other.  My ex would leave me waiting until 830 on Fridays with “maybes”. He would make plans, then back out using health/stress/family as a reason why. 

He would hide me from his friends under the term “guys night”, but then other women would be there.  He would want to be included with my friend get togethers, but be rude to them or back out after we already agreed to go (literally minutes before).  His idea of being in a relationship was spending lots of time alone or with family, but without me (even after we had a child).  His family dictated his schedule and my schedule/needs didn’t matter.  I realized my idea of how much time we spent together, time being alone, and time as a family with our child didn’t line up with his ideas. 

Questions to consider– How much time do you want to spend with each other? How does friend time fit into the picture between work and kids? Do you like having people over often, or do you prefer quiet time at home? Do you like spending lots of time with your partner or doing your own hobbies/be with separate friends? Do you want shared friendships? How much time do you see spending with in-laws?  Do you only want to spend time with your partner at home or having sex, or do you want lots of time doing adventures together out of the house? Do you want lots of family time together as a unit with your partner and kids, or do you want to be away doing your own thing?

Communication-

Love is not enough.  How you communicate and problem solve makes or breaks your relationship.  If a person communicates with yelling and another with silent treatments, there will be unhealthy communication patterns in the relationship.  If you don’t feel seen, heard, and understood in your relationship, everything will break down.  If you are upset and can’t communicate this in respectful ways, problems will never get solved (and only get worse over time).

Questions to consider- Can you share your feelings, or do you expect your partner to read your mind? Are you able to be angry without yelling, threats and name calling? Do you show your feelings by rejecting your partner physically, withholding affection and love? Do you like verbal expressions of love with lots of praise or do you prefer actions like time, service, gifts? Do you listen to your partner and care about what they are saying? Do you want to talk during the work day or require more space?  Do you prefer a time out when angry or to talk it out?

My ex would keep all his feelings in and vent to other women and his family vs. talk to me. I wanted to talk things out, come up with a resolution, then move on to something else.  When I shared my feelings, he perceived everything I said as a criticism (even something as small as “I need your help, would you mind getting milk for our son today?”). I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and afraid to ask for or say much of anything.

 If you can’t share your feelings with your partner, it will be impossible to resolve any issues between you.  Attempts to communicate were often blocked, dismissed, ignored and I faced soul crushing silent treatments.  I never knew what was worse- his rages, lies or silent treatments. He hated my tone, expression of any feeling beyond “you are great” and anything emotional felt “aggressive to him” (even if I whispered it). Needless to say, it was like we spoke (2) different languages.   

Make sure you have the tools in place for healthy problem solving and communication. If you cover these 5 things in your relationship, you will help yourself have a healthy marriage.