New Year’s Resolutions

We often set tangible goals like – I want to exercise more, start a new health plan, travel more, make more money, lose weight etc. But this year, it is time to look inward and focus less on checking boxes and numbers on a scale, but what kind of person do you want to be and what quality of life do you want to feel.  

In 2021 (can’t believe I am writing 2021 right now), I am committed to going to bed earlier and not doing “one more thing”. I am committed to putting work and chores aside and allowing myself space to go outside and walk or do those few exercises at home. I am committed to finding a better routine to ensure I get time to write, work on websites, advertising and photos for blogs.  However, my biggest and most important goals are more intangible and will require daily work and mindfulness. 

What are these goals-

1-Being in the moment (for this moment is all you have), and 2- Watching where my energy goes. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in fear and protection working to make up for the past and prevent pain in the future, but over time it has sucked the life out of me.  I look back at old photos to see the more lighthearted free spirited me who knew how to have fun and let go.  I lost her along the way when I got with my narc ex and fought the struggles that came with it…and so much changed as it has for many who struggle abusive exes, childhoods and changes from parenting. 

When friends and family decide not to communicate and show any interest in your life or in you being in theirs- the doubt and worries can consume your energy. The abusive relationship whether it be emotional, physical or both, can consume your energy as you try to fix things (perhaps for year after year while neglecting your own needs). 

I recall with my narc ex my whole life revolved around his moods and keeping the peace. I was anticipating his needs, reactions, and emotional temperature putting me in a state of exhausting hypervigilance. I was hoping if I worked harder, did more and gave more, I could keep a peaceful home for my son and stability, but I couldn’t be more wrong. The people pleasing codependency that I was engaging in was fueled by fear and a trauma filled childhood. These childhood traumas pushed me to focus on others vs. me as a form of controlling my environment to keep myself safe.  It becomes a very outward focused life where you are constantly failing because no amount of effort can “make a person happy” or control their rages, threats, moods etc.

When you feel emotionally worn out, there is no immediate fix and many of us can’t take time off to disappear into a retreat/help center like we see celebrities do. I have bills to pay and a child with no family help as back up. The grind is real, and it is day in and day out like it is for many of us.  

I realized I may get to sleep earlier (often not sleeping well), I may get in exercise, I may be drinking more water and taking vitamins, I may be working towards my side hustle goals, but that is not fixing my quality of life in being able to enjoy daily life. 

These daily stressors and abuse traumas will take you out of the moment and consume all your energy. This has often resulted in this- I am missing the joy of being a parent as I am consumed with all that is on my plate.  I am missing the appreciation for the fierce hugs he gives and wants to get in return as I feel rushed day in and day out.  I am not appreciating the specialness of tucking in another human whose only wish right now is to see his momma before he goes off to sleep.

What has consumed me is being on high alert in fight or flight mode ready for the next task.  I have been so worried about what is next, what I didn’t do, what happened in the past, I haven’t been connected with the NOW. 

I think of Paul Walker who was at charity event and the next thing you know he was in a horrific car crash.  I think of a friend of mine who was always lighthearted and tried his best, and while making dinner with his wife (in 2020) suddenly collapsed and passed away within moments. I think of close friends who one day we are hanging out having fun, and the next they have moved and I haven’t seen in 5 years as we slowly lose touch. I think of my friends who one day you are having a blast and then after one or two minor misunderstandings, suddenly you aren’t speaking… then mean girls plays out vs real communication.  The point is things can change in an instant, and if you don’t appreciate daily moments in life, you will miss out on the good you can find in each day.

I’ve realized I need to get a hold of my thoughts and really bring it back to being here and now.

Enjoy what we have now and not what we hope for in the future. Enjoy the small moments in life because that is what your life is mainly made up of- brief moments that weave into your entire life. Focus your energy on things you can control, not things other people say or do that you have no control over. Be mindful of where your thoughts go and how you spend your time for so much can change in the blink of an eye…