You made a commitment to be together, to be faithful and be a team- this is a big decision!
You figure out your plans for chores, money, time, communication standards and sexual needs, and everything should be good. You tell yourself, “I am good partner, I am not a drug addict, criminal or cheater. I went to college and have a job. I am a good person. I am doing my best” (all things I heard from my abusive ex as his checklist of why he was such a good partner). It is like looking at someone’s resume, the boxes are checked, things are in order, but that doesn’t mean this person will be a good fit within every company. You agree you will both contribute, care about each other’s goals, feelings and needs, work together, and everything should be fine, but then it isn’t.
What is that will destroy a relationship and possibly lead to cheating, divorce, fights, resentment, depression, disappointment and loneliness within the relationship….?
It is this- Lack of Responsiveness and Interest: ignoring your partners needs, feelings, wants and cues. A lack of effort to connect in a meaningful way that leads to feelings of emotional abandonment and physical detachment.
It is living in your own world where your partner exists in a supporting role supporting your needs and agenda.
It is noticing a change in your partners demeanor and energy for multiple days in a row, but not asking how they are doing.
It is seeing your partner excited, but not caring what they are excited about, and just going about your day.
It’s not caring if your partner went out of their way to bring home food for you, fighting traffic, waiting in line perhaps while you never bring them food.
It’s asking how their day was then a partner walking out of the room as the other speaks, showing no interest in a word said, looking at their phone and getting annoyed if given an answer beyond- “my day was good”.
It’s repeatedly not looking up or caring when your partner comes in a room or home.
It’s saying you are too tired to go out and do anything weekend after weekend, but when a friend or family member asks to do something, jumping up ready to go.
It’s saying you don’t want to hang out with their friends and family, but don’t want to make new friends together and making them feel like an outsider to your family.
It’s sitting on the couch while your partner is struggling to watch the kids, cook, clean, keep up with work afterhours then wondering why your partner is tired, stressed and angry.
It’s expecting extra effort from them, like remembering your favorite things on a whim or planning a birthday for you but doing nothing for them on their birthday.
It’s agreeing you will help, work as a team, then giving up on your end of things and wondering why things are not working out.
It’s making your health issues take center stage, but when your partner is sick- not coming home, not picking up your phone and you can’t be bothered to help out.
It’s ignoring your partner when they are clearly upset, sad or stressed and just waiting for them to figure things out on their own.
It’s seeing them struggle with something and overworked, but pretending like everything is fine.
It’s leaving your partner alone to cry after painful event and wanting to end the relationship because of being inconvenienced with their pain.
It’s making pretend plans then not following through with them.
It’s promises made that are not kept.
It’s considering simply coming home and barely speaking day after day as being “present” and making an effort.
It’s knowing what they like and want, but only caring about what you like and want.
Being good on paper is not enough. Checking boxes that most people check doesn’t equate to being a good partner. Effort is everything. Listening is everything. Interest is everything. In a world where we all want to be understood, seen, heard and valued, the first person this should apply to is your partner.